i will continue

“Your eyes are lacking that sparkle and cheer they had when I first met you.” -january 21st

“You know, this is a fatal illness. And you’re walking down a very narrow pathway.” – january 23rd


I’ve always found comfort in the extremes. I’ve always like the idea of this peaceful mindset, happy and healthy life. The idea of going ice skating with my friends and walking around the mall and celebrating holidays freely. The idea of waking up in the morning with a smile and the sun shining through my window. Yet at the same time, there was something exhilarating about those two statement one of my doctors had said to me. This messed up idea of comfort. Being sick takes away the uncertainty. The fear. The real world fades away and suddenly you don’t have to worry about a single thing. So full of emptiness. Something about being so sick just felt so right, like I was finally doing something right.

WHY ON EARTH HOW DO YOU FIND THIS COMFORT IN SUCH A SCARY SITUATION YOU CRAZY

Well, let me tell you: If you’ve never craved the feeling of complete and utter emptiness, you won’t ever fully understand why someone would pursue this mission to become empty. It’s a feeling of accomplishment when nothing else is going right.

However, it comes to an end. And for me, January 25th marked the end of (hardly) surviving in this black and white world and beginning to travel to the gray area. The area filled with uncertainty, fear, doubt.

Today is March 10th. It’s been 6 1/2 weeks. Every day is filled with constant decisions to stay on the right path.  To be completely honest, it gets tiring waking up each morning knowing the hesitancy can creep back at any time.

However, each day I wake up stronger. Each day I fight that ambivalence, no matter how strong the desire the crawl back into the previous comfort that I had beforehand. Each morning I wake up, I acknowledge that uncertainty, that desire to go back to the ways things used to be. And slap it in the face.

Today marks one week of being back at home. 7 days. 10080 minutes spent choosing to continue. And it’s been anything but easy. But I can already tell that the hard work I’ve put in these past 6 1/2 weeks are already paying off and cannot wait to see my life continue to unfold as I persist and fight. Today, I choose to keep going.

And that is not something I could have said back on january 23rd.


It’s kind of funny, looking back to two years ago, knowing that I wrote about all 365 days I had spent being free from the hospitals-yet here I am, after breaking that streak, returning to a simple 7 days. But you know what? That’s okay. Because this is only the beginning.

From here on out, I will flourish. I will thrive. I will grow and gain more and more hope as each day passes by, no matter what challenges may come my way.

I will continue.

xoxo, maddy

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but oh my darling, what if you fly?

The fear glistened in my eyes as I sat down at the dinner table. I was vulnerable, beginning to lose my identity, my sense of worth; finding myself manipulated and trapped. I was blinded from what was happening, lacking the perception to see that I was slipping away into nothing. Yet I managed to fake some sort of peace of mind in order to camouflage the suffering I felt inside. And that was the first lie my eating disorder whispered into my ears – “I am okay.”

For years I would wake up not living, just merely surviving. Some days I simply craved the destruction of my own body. My stomach would growl on the hour, craving not only food but some sort of comfort my life was lacking. It was as if the comfort I found in destroying myself would calm all my fears in an instant. I became hungry for happiness and somehow managed to convince myself that the eating disorder would satisfy my appetite. I began flirting with these disordered thoughts, and before I knew it, the voice of the eating disorder coated my vision until that was all I could see.

Soon enough, I stumbled upon others going through the same torment. I watched as their eyes glazed over with melancholy when they sat down at the dinner table in the hospital. Hours upon hours would go by until our plates would be cleared. Day after day of repeating this process released my eyes from the cloudy vision and opened up doors of hope. Watching the other strugglers’ eyes brighten as they took each bite and seeing their bodies ignite with life with each grueling thought they pushed away proved the worth of staying with the process – through the twists, turns, and everything in between – no matter how hard it gets.

   I remember one day hearing, “I cannot think of anything worse than failing suicide, you fail so much at life that you even fail to kill yourself,” and being consumed with guilt from my past. Today, each time I hear those words slip from someone’s mouth, the higher my motivation jumps to put an end to the stigma, the suffering, the pain. I have become hungry for a change, hungry to make a difference. I am now opening up, sharing my story for the entire world to hear. Speaking my truth, becoming vulnerable. Sharing pieces of my past I was previously ashamed for and cowered away from in hopes of helping at least one single person.

Slowly but surely, the drive to thrive and create a life full of adventures began to overpower the suffocating apathy the eating disorder caused. I began to recognize the incredible power my body has, the mental strength I have gained through years of treatment and learned how to cope with the toxic mindset that became the norm. Each step forward came with an ambition to celebrate my strengths and acknowledge this journey I have gone through of overcoming this crippling, gruesome disorder. I began to wake up excited to see what the new day has in store for me. Exploring the incredible qualities my body and mind has and the strength I have gained throughout the years of this battle.

“I cannot think of anything worse than failing suicide, you fail so much at life that you fail to even kill yourself”

Actually, I can think of something worse than failing a suicide.

And that is succeeding.

Because despite the years spent with a disease that has filled my head with demons, I have managed to continue life while encouraging and sprinkling joy throughout whoever’s life crossed my path. And that, is one profound act of bravery. And despite the hounding to end it all, continuing to rise out of bed each day and nourish myself while feeding others hope is anything but a failure.

xoxo, maddy

When Your World Falls Apart

It’s been one of those weeks when you start off jumping out of bed, singing your favorite songs even though its 5 in the morning, ready to tackle the day and sprinkle kindness where you go. Untillllll we reached Friday. Ever since then the days have been piling up with negativity and heading in a downward spiral to the land of no where.

What’s important to remind ourselves in these situations is that 1. They will come to an end 2. Keep fighting. I know it may seem impossible, like everyone is against you, like your whole world is crashing down right before you eyes. However I need you to keep holding on.

Letter to those who are having a rough day or week or month like myself:

I am so unbelievably proud of you. Every day you get out of bed even though all you want to do is stay under the covers. Every day you take a shower, get dressed, put food in your body, and leave the safety of your home for the chaos of this world.

To me, that’s a profound act of bravery. You are choosing to live despite your tiredness, hopelessness, and brokenness provoked by the weeks events. You cling to the light instead of the dark. You leave your comfort zone every day for the unknown.

I’m proud of you. I hope you are proud of you. I hope you know how those seemingly little acts of courage are really the greatest moments of bravery. I hope that you will continue to rise each day and live your life, no matter what turmoil comes your way.

So thank you for living. Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting. For trying. Thank you for being in this world with me. Thank you for holding on when you want to let go.

Thank you for trusting in tomorrow.

Because you have the power to make tomorrow a better day.

-Maddy

TO YOU

Dear extraordinary human being,

I just want to let you know that you are capable of tackling whatever challenges you may be facing, or any walls that may come your way. You are courageous and brave and can live this life full of light from the inside out, illuminating everything and everyone in your path.

I know what you’re  thinking, “How am I supposed to believe any of what you’re saying?” I know its not easy to think positively about yourself, to stay true to your soul. Sometimes there will be days when we want to do what everyone else is doing and forget about our own path.

But if every daisy in the garden spent their Friday nights coating themselves in red in order to look like the roses, would the garden still be its spunky, colorful, calming self it was with a variety of Screen Shot 2015-08-14 at 1.05.15 PMdifferent kinds of flowers that brought so much into the blank slate it used to be?

You are a priceless, authentic, unimaginably marvelous person..no one has ever been like you and no one ever will be. You are worth more than you can ever know.

It is time you are able to hear this, to recognize the fact that you  are loved unconditionally, full of kindness and forgiveness. Today, let go of shame. Let go of every ounce of whatever is holding you back from allowing those unique eyes of yours to see how wonderful you truly are. It is time.

You are so very loved,

xo, maddy

WHEN YOU’RE STRUGGLING

To anyone out there struggling-

it gets better. There are hard moments, moments where you will want to stop completely. But keep. on. going. In the future you’ll look back and be so damn proud of yourself for the fact that you marched right through those negative thoughts and made it through yet another day despite the whispers in your ears telling you to end it all.

You’ll be extraordinarily happy you kept going. You get a glimpse of life again. And life simply becomes..LIFE. Not days passing by surrounded by that burning sensation in your heart. You’re able to live. Explore. Have fun. Meet new people.

I cannot express how grateful I am for those who have helped me and continue to help me along this journey. I am beginning to have a glimpse of what true living is and that has an infinite value

So hang in there, my dear. It will be worth it. Recovery is worth it.


“Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That is who you really are. Let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.” C. Assaad

Believing

You have to believe in yourself. You have to. And if you don’t, you need someone with you that does. It’s that simple. If you can find someone that will believe in you when you don’t, then you’ve got a chance to be great. But, you can’t accomplish anything unless there is someone that looks at you and sees possibilities, sees potential. Preferably that person is you. But we all have doubts. We all get weak. We all get afraid.

At those moments, your someone is there.

At those moments, your someone believed.

Believes.

Make sure you let them know that you appreciate them and realize that so many extraordinary things in your life would not have become reality without them.


Thank you to all the many friends I have met along this journey who have been there for me, believing in me when I was incapable of doing so myself. Thank you for convincing me to eat, when my mind took over and my body was too weak to tell me to do so. Thank you for comforting me in the late hours of the night persuading me to keep on fighting, to go just one more day. And repeating that to me day after day. Thank you for the encouraging words you spoke to me even when you knew they were exactly what I didn’t want to hear.

Thank you for everything.

Setting Up For Success – rid the mind of failure

set yourself up and rid the mind of failure. You are capable of far more than you allow yourself to believe. I guarantee you that.

“But why even try? Why try when I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to fail? Why bother setting myself for failure?”

“Because it’s there” -George Mallory to the NY Times when asked his reason as to climbing Mt Everest. The mountain had yet to be conquered. To reach the top had been thought by many to be impossible.

So, why do it? Valid question, right? Especially when one could spend their days chasing other dreams like wealth or their job or developing a life free of great challenges all together.

Life can not only be a challenge- life is a challenge. Look around you. Look inside you. Challenges as great as tackling Everest are every where.

So, why should you even bother with these challenges? Why should you try to break through these walls others set upon you? Why try to climb these impossible challenges?

Because they are there.

Challenge those thoughts of doubt. Convince your mind otherwise. What about that .1% chance that you will succeed?

SUCCESS?????

I know, such a foreign concept in the world of negativity. But what will you know you can accomplish if you don’t even try? If you consistently tell yourself you are incapable of reaching your goal, how on earth are you ever supposed to reach it?

Go out and explore. Do things to help you reach your goals. HelI, go out and reach for the stars. I challenge you.

WHAT DOES CHANGE MEAN TO YOU?

Yesterday always inspires today. Today always inspires tomorrow,

And I love that.

If we’re really trying to get better, be better, live better, than we have previously agreed that we are indeed trying to-and are okay with-change. Change can be scary. It demands adjustments. It demands that we step outside of our comfort zone, becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable. Change isn’t easy. It’s far simpler to only have one answer, allow no second pursuits, write your schedule in pen instead of pencil.

But no one is expecting easy here. You are looking for change.

Maybe you’re excited. Maybe you’re scared. Scared it may hurt. Excited it may not.

Picture yourself stronger, braver, tougher, more extraordinary than your previous self. Learn not to fear your surroundings. Never fear them. Respect the challenges others offer throughout your exploration. Allow your competitors to inspire you. Inspire you to teach things they can reach. Inspire you to prove them wrong. Prove everybody wrong. Defy your own limits.

Positive change is powerfully admirable.  Admirableness is remarkably contagious. Once others see your former self fading and transforming into this newer, braver, peaceful human being fulfilled with life and opportunities, they will be reflected back with your positivity. Be the change. Conquer the world.

Becoming Vulnerable-Let Go of Fear of Rejection

Allow yourself to become vulnerable. Let yourself be hurt or sad or angry. I give you permission to not be a rainbow-colored diamond-studded unicorn with sprinkles and a pot of gold all the time. Life is hard. You’re allowed to feel, have a shitty mood or shitty week or shitty month or be pissed the fck off. You’re growing. You’re putting yourself out there. You were plunged into something and didn’t allow yourself to cave into the pessimistic thoughts and/or actions. It’s easy to give up. And you didn’t. Be proud of that.

You stepped out of your comfort zone, and although you may have not gotten the results you were expecting, at least you know you tried. Do you know how many people don’t even try? I would rather risk my vulnerability, even with that rejection staring right at me, than know I simply sat back and didn’t attempt anything.

Maybe you’ve gone to your friends, asking them what to say in your stuck situation. They’ll hand you a band-aid to smother on your wounds so you can feel momentarily soothed. Maybe you take yet another risk, trying to dig a little deeper. Maybe then you end up only to find yourself sunken deeper into that black hole of loneliness.

But, my dear friend, let me tell you. You are meant to feel. We live in a world full of feeling, although it may seem those feelings are only positive. However, i can assure you we were born to be bitter, heartbroken, frustrated, feeling like you want to give up and end it all. Engage in conversations that fire you up. Release that envy, that malevolence, that apathy. This, is when you’ll grow. This is when you’ll heal. Grow out of who you used to be. Don’t settle for someone else’s stubbornness to dictate your freedom.

Allow yourself to become unprotected, sensitive. Spend your friday night crying into your pillow case. Let yourself be wrong. Don’t live with the thought of having to maintain this constant feeling of happiness and virtue every damn day. Some situations, people, places, things..will bring you down. And what do you do from there? Let yourself feel. This is where you’ll branch out and grow, grow, grow.

Life is a process. We have difficult times for a reason. Don’t let them be washed away.

Journey To Serenity

“Be patient. Sometime you have to get through the worst to achieve the best”


You know those days when you’re feeling oddly happy? Like life is finally treating you right again, giving you the many laughs you deserve, cause tears to drip down your cheeks from smiling so much. Those couple hours of that random monday afternoon spent with people you never thought you would spend time with, yet they manage to liven up your soul. Those moments where you can’t hear the rest of the world because you’re able to be in the moment, absorbing this serenity.

Those are the beautiful moments. Remember those times when you’re thoughts get the best of you, leaving you feeling rather worthless and hopeless. Remember that fluttering of your eyelashes and sparkle in your eyes that occurred when you were brought to such euphoria.

And if you don’t believe those days will ever come, trust me, right here right now, they will. Stand in front of the mirror and speak those words to yourself. Tell yourself every night right before bed that days will get better, and no longer will they drag on. You will get excited to wake up, go places, try new things, explore the unknown.  It may have taken me years to realize this, but little did i know it the good times are slowly but surely beginning to outweigh the bads. For the first time in a while, i can truly say “I am beginning to gain my life back”. And it has never felt so great.


“Be crazy. Be weird. Be stupid. Be silly. Be whatever. Because life is too short to be anything but happy”