thursday nights

Sometimes, those random Thursday nights can come by and hit you in the heart like a ton of bricks. When you sit in bed, far before the night is over, feeling lonely as ever. When all your struggles compile into one force and crush you down. When you are buried in pillows craving someone to come swoop you up and save you, to kiss your bruised up arms and tell you everything will be alright.

It’s on these nights that our guarded hearts break down and we realize love is both a weakness and a strength; even the darkest of us can still become weak with love. That despite the walls we have built up, despite the scars we are made up of, despite hardships, love can still get in. It’s on these nights when the negative thoughts continuously bleed out from our veins, no matter how many band-aids we slap on.

These are the nights you must fight against the demons in your mind. When you must open up to others (it will be oh so difficult yet oh so worth it). Breaking down your guarded walls will only lead you to a path of hope and faith in the future. And when that Thursday night struts its way into your life, I will be here, listening, talking, hugging. When you need someone here to melt into, someone to hug, but yet you find no one to wrap your arms around, look for me. I’ll be alive in your dreams when you are immersed deep in your thoughts laying in your bed on this Thursday night. I will be there for you, all throughout the day and into your dreams and nightmares. My arms will remain wide open and my ears will be ready to listen to your deepest secrets.

During these dreams of yours, it is often when I myself am drowning in my own struggles. When I need someone to distract the monsters in my mind, hug me, and let me know things will get better. That’s when I need you most.

We will be here for each other. We promised each other, way back, on a different Thursday night.

And that is when I realized, that love truly can seep into those who hold a dark past, those who are in pain.

That is when I realized that two hearts made up of cracks and crevices can fill each other back up. Thank you for being there for me. I will be here for you.

 

xoxo, maddy

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because you deserve​ the best

We live in a world where it has become more normal to numb ourselves than it is to experience each wave of emotion that comes over us. We have become scared of the ‘crummy’ feelings. You know the ones – vulnerability, pain, loneliness, sadness, shame, etc. And maybe we’ve become scared of the good ones too – the happiness, joy, excitement, love. We fall into this addiction and vicious cycle in order to turn our emotional mind off. We’re entrenched deep in our fears, terrified of getting lost in the paralyzing world of these messy emotions. At the same time, we are so numbed out it’s as if we don’t feel worthy enough to let ourselves dive into the world of joy and undergo the positive, vibrant emotions that we truly are deserving of. We have become afraid of crumbling and afraid of rising; yet when we avoid both, we remain stagnant in this ongoing numbness that ultimately will bring our lives to a screeching halt.  

I know, feeling is scary. And if you’ve been numb or blinded for long enough, it may also sound batshit crazy, something completely out of your reach. Then there’s the flip side; when you finally gain your sight back and drop that addiction or whatever may be dragging you down, thawing out those feelings and having your mind flustered with the overwhelming emotions hurts like a bitch. Everything that has been suffocating you crashes into you at high intensity. Learning to wade through these waves, to keep swimming despite the crashing waters is one of the hardest lessons you’ll face; but oh please trust me, it opens you up to so much beauty and light and potential. 

Feeling is one of the most courageous decisions you can make. Giving yourself permission to express your emotions, ride through them, and let go of the aspects in your life that bring you down and drown you isn’t only important – it’s truly what you owe to yourself. You owe it to yourself to gain your sight back and recognize what is drowning you, what makes you feel distressed. You owe it to yourself to feel the good side of things – the joy, happiness, love. To be around those who truly care about you, removing toxicity from your surroundings.

Let the feelings flow. Keep your heart wide open. And if you’re trapped the pain and heartache and crumminess, I promise you your day is coming. The vicious cycle of being stuck in your heart-wrenching situation and caught in the numbness will end as soon as you let yourself become vulnerable and feel. Acknowledge those who are out there that care for you and purge the reluctant thoughts that are keeping you stuck. 

Your bright and shiny days are coming. Remember your worth. Be honest with your feelings and chase after what your heart truly and genuinely wants. 

xoxo, maddy

reminders, thank you’s, simple things

For all those who have reached out to me, helped me through my toughest times, said hi to me in the morning, told me that you care – this is for you.

For anyone who isn’t feeling on top of the world right now, I may not know you personally, but I believe this to be true about you, too. You are a rockstar. Believe in yourself, I am rooting for you. You will climb back to the top of the mountain soon, I know you will – remember these statements when you’re feeling low.

For those who know a friend who isn’t feeling too hot – things you should share with them to give them your support. At the same time, don’t devalue the simplicity of smiling at them. Smiles can brighten even the darkest of days – and for the times you’re filled with not only smiles but words as well,  these simple comments can mean the world to them. Share your support, share your sympathy. Remind yourself of these too; don’t let your kind soul go unnoticed.

For myself – this applies to you too. Don’t forget your own worth. Self-care is not selfish, it is necessary.

  1. Your ability to find the silver lining is an awe-inspiring quality and I hope you are able to acknowledge the beauty in this. There’s no doubt that you have gone through some tough times, and no doubt you have made it through like the brave warrior you are. And throughout anything that comes your way, you are still able to do some amazing things and make an incredible impact in people’s lives and create some amazing memories. You rock.
  2. Your heart is so pure. You are a selfless human being. You caring, thoughtful soul is something so incredible, words cannot even describe how thankful I am to know there are people like that out in this world
  3. Your passion is contagious. You make me want to become a better human. Your warm heart brings light to the darkest days in this world.
  4. You have a way with your words. Comfort, forgiveness, joy, thoughtfulness. Never underestimate the power of asking “are you okay” or saying “tomorrow will be better”. They may be short, simple comments, but your concern & care means the world. It’s refreshing. Thank you for making me feel like I matter. I hope you always remember how much you matter, too.

I hope you never forget how much you matter. How important you are. How grateful so many people are to have you in their life.

xoxo, maddy

case of the mondays

I am sitting here, at 1:13 in the afternoon, unable to complete tasks due to being held hostage by an endless stream of thought. Sitting here, suffocated in the fear of letting the vulnerability bleed out from my fingertips and onto the keyboard.  Sitting here, overanalyzing even the simplest of situations.  I am a people pleaser with a deep fear of disappointment. With this aspect shining through, I have been neglecting my own personal well being, because after all, only so much compassion can fit into this five-foot-two body of mine – all of which has been devoted to those around me. However, as I sit here a room full of complete and utter silence, typing out whatever comes to mind, my heart is gaining the capability to breathe again.

It’s scary when you feel as though your insides are spilling out and you’re left drowning in these black and white thoughts. It’s terrifying being told, “I know you’ve been through hell. I know you’re still going through it, battling to get out and escape” and hold back the tears. It’s exhausting and painful talking about this built up melancholy  until your voice becomes hoarse. It’s saddening going about your day soon to be filled with disappointment of the fact that your imagination made things a little more hopeful with your relationships than they actually are.

However, as I sit here, I’m slowly but surely grasping onto the power of our thoughts and mentality in every situation. Our minds truly are a beautifully chaotic masterpiece, and learning to manage the clutter that takes place is quite the feat. Living in a world that rushes through life and making the conscious choice to thoroughly slow down can feel strange. However, it’s been a beautifully weird sensation – this completeness, this peace. As I sit here, in this quiet library on a Monday afternoon, I am aiming to clear my mind of this chaos with each word I type. I am aiming to relinquish my fears and cherish my own self. To look beyond those in front of me to fulfill this feeling of worthlessness and emptiness, because after all, my happiness cannot be found in the hands of others.

I want to flourish.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1:13 in the afternoon, I will hopefully be able to cultivate the passion and abundance I have to offer this world whilst nourishing my own being. I will move past the uncomfortable experiences this Monday has brought me and will begin this audacious journey of nourishing and flourishing.

Because after all, I am unstoppable. I am irrefutable. I will go about my day with tenacity and authenticity. I will move past the negative thoughts that weigh me down and send me into this whirlpool of hopelessness.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1:13, I will complete the tasks I set out to do, with a clear mind and open heart.

xoxo, maddy

but oh my darling, what if you fly?

The fear glistened in my eyes as I sat down at the dinner table. I was vulnerable, beginning to lose my identity, my sense of worth; finding myself manipulated and trapped. I was blinded from what was happening, lacking the perception to see that I was slipping away into nothing. Yet I managed to fake some sort of peace of mind in order to camouflage the suffering I felt inside. And that was the first lie my eating disorder whispered into my ears – “I am okay.”

For years I would wake up not living, just merely surviving. Some days I simply craved the destruction of my own body. My stomach would growl on the hour, craving not only food but some sort of comfort my life was lacking. It was as if the comfort I found in destroying myself would calm all my fears in an instant. I became hungry for happiness and somehow managed to convince myself that the eating disorder would satisfy my appetite. I began flirting with these disordered thoughts, and before I knew it, the voice of the eating disorder coated my vision until that was all I could see.

Soon enough, I stumbled upon others going through the same torment. I watched as their eyes glazed over with melancholy when they sat down at the dinner table in the hospital. Hours upon hours would go by until our plates would be cleared. Day after day of repeating this process released my eyes from the cloudy vision and opened up doors of hope. Watching the other strugglers’ eyes brighten as they took each bite and seeing their bodies ignite with life with each grueling thought they pushed away proved the worth of staying with the process – through the twists, turns, and everything in between – no matter how hard it gets.

   I remember one day hearing, “I cannot think of anything worse than failing suicide, you fail so much at life that you even fail to kill yourself,” and being consumed with guilt from my past. Today, each time I hear those words slip from someone’s mouth, the higher my motivation jumps to put an end to the stigma, the suffering, the pain. I have become hungry for a change, hungry to make a difference. I am now opening up, sharing my story for the entire world to hear. Speaking my truth, becoming vulnerable. Sharing pieces of my past I was previously ashamed for and cowered away from in hopes of helping at least one single person.

Slowly but surely, the drive to thrive and create a life full of adventures began to overpower the suffocating apathy the eating disorder caused. I began to recognize the incredible power my body has, the mental strength I have gained through years of treatment and learned how to cope with the toxic mindset that became the norm. Each step forward came with an ambition to celebrate my strengths and acknowledge this journey I have gone through of overcoming this crippling, gruesome disorder. I began to wake up excited to see what the new day has in store for me. Exploring the incredible qualities my body and mind has and the strength I have gained throughout the years of this battle.

“I cannot think of anything worse than failing suicide, you fail so much at life that you fail to even kill yourself”

Actually, I can think of something worse than failing a suicide.

And that is succeeding.

Because despite the years spent with a disease that has filled my head with demons, I have managed to continue life while encouraging and sprinkling joy throughout whoever’s life crossed my path. And that, is one profound act of bravery. And despite the hounding to end it all, continuing to rise out of bed each day and nourish myself while feeding others hope is anything but a failure.

xoxo, maddy

be irrefutable. be unstoppable.

Recovery is tough. The process fills up with extreme highs and laughter and memories as well as extreme lows and tears and fights. Sometimes it’s scary, sometimes it’s overwhelming.
But as months pass and bites are taken, things slowly start to get better. You slowly start to get better. 
Recovery is a decision you make every single day. And it will be the best decision you make, even when it feels like the worst.
Sometimes listening to the eating disorder may seem appealing because it’s easier, because it’s comfortable, because it’s familiar. Sometimes recovery can just really suck.
But it’s worth it.
I promise it’s worth it.
So be kinder to yourself. Know that despite the eating disorder it attempting to drag you down into the deep end, you are stronger. You can keep your head up and fight back. It will be worth it. 
In the days when you’re drowning, choose to move onto tomorrow, not to dwell on the negativity. Remember the bigger picture rather than hyper-focusing on the darker moments. Remind yourself of the long term happiness you will gain from this short term uncomfortability rather than the short term satisfaction and lifelong suffering given by listening to the eating disorder.
We all have these days, and yes, they suck. But we cannot let that stand in our way. We are irrefutable. We are unstoppable. 
xo,
maddy

don’t u know that ur toxic

Thank you for having that smile in which the sunshine bounced off your teeth even on the cloudiest of days. Thank you for having an incredible laugh. For laughing at the littlest of things. It was contagious.It was cute as hell. Thank you for your sense of humor that matched mine. And your audacious vibe you let off whenever I heard words slip from your mouth. The way you would leave me hanging on my toes with everything you said, even as simple as “hello”. Thank you for showing me what it is like to laugh again, to truly laugh again. Thank you for trying not to show your nerves (but I could still sense them anyways-the feeling was mutual). Thank you for making something as simple as walking out my front door in the dirtiest pink flip flops seem like an incredible, magical fantasy. And for being there with me when I was completely and utterly falling apart. It’s funny how much a five-second snapchat or a jar of peanut butter and new adventures can transform into such magical things. And it’s funny how quickly those can be ripped right out of your hands, with all extraordinary qualities left to disappear. And with that, thank you to MYSELF from MYSELF for continuing to breathe, even when it feels like there’s no air. For learning that those who truly care for me will stay. For learning to remove the toxic people in my life in order to make my dreams a reality.

Thank you, self

xo, maddy

gaining hope

Gaining hope to gain my life back, to step away from doubts. I did not come this far to only come this far. Goal setting for a future of nourishing & flourishing

  • To be one of those people who, when you look at, their eyes sparkle and they are simply a ray of sunshine. You see them and suddenly feel a little bit happier, a little more inspired. And they look back at you with warmth in their eyes and a smile that could turn any frown upside down. To be able to transfer this light onto anyone that crosses my path and sprinkle little bits of serenity everywhere I go.
  • To do what I love. To help others achieve their goals and work towards gaining the life they’ve dreamed of. Help them do what they’re passionate about and watch that blossom. To turn struggle into something beautiful.
  • To take risks and distance myself from fears. Never allow myself to become too comfortable to the point of feeling stuck. Thrive, not just survive.
  • To remember that I am worthy. Worthy of staying on this earth, being a part of this life, simply just..living. To look myself in the mirror with a smile knowing this is a girl that can make your heart soft and eyes glisten . That I may get insecure and doubtful, but I have the power to light up your day if you allow me to. That although I may not allow you to talk to me before I get my breakfast (let’s be real, who really does), I will listen to your stories for hours on end. That I have things to offer.

So cheers to working towards a peace of mind, to learning to hold onto hope, no matter what storms may come my way.

xo, maddy

18 things I’ve learned before turning 18

1.)Other people are not the answer. Don’t seek your worth in others, don’t place you’re worth in their hands. You may think they help bring you peace and leave you happy-which they might-but in the end, it’s up to you. Be able to love yourself even if they weren’t a part of your life.

2.) The longer you put things off, the more time you get taken away from being able to live. Stop telling yourself “I’ll start tomorrow” “I promise I’ll do it for real this time”. Life is happening now. You deserve to be a part of it.
3.) Do what you love. Wake up wanting to jump out of bed. Blast your favorite song and dance around the kitchen. Find your passion. Take pride in it. Look forward to Mondays. Cultivate what you love and light your soul on fire. Never stop working towards living your dream.
4.) Grow. Develop. Flourish. Never stop. Work towards what you want to achieve and don’t allow your mind to build barriers.
5.) It’s okay to have bad days. You’re allowed to cry. Cry your eyes out and hug a teddy bear, if necessary. Some days just suck. But bad days build better days. Keep going.
6.) Some people just aren’t meant to be in your life. Step away from the toxic environment, even if it’s incredibly hard. Accept that some people are only temporary. It’s unfair, it hurts. But you deserve to be surrounded by people who truly care about you and won’t abandon you.
7.) If something scares you, do it.
8.) Spontaneity is a wonderful thing. Ride your bike around town and end up getting lost in the woods. Go out to dinner and eat something you never would have imagined yourself eating. Throw cookies in mailboxes and always say yes to new adventures.
9.) It’s okay to reach out for help. It’s okay to need support. You are not expected to be 100% all the time. Self growth is not a linear process.
10.) Do not let anybody determine who you are. No one can tell you your level of intellegence, what you should wear, what you should do with your life. You are in the drivers eat. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
11.) Change is unavoidable. It’s scary. It’s intimidating. But don’t fear it. You may be about to live the best moment of your life to date.
12.) Your body is an incredible thing. Treat it with  respect and it will respect you back. Learn to trust it, to listen to its needs. Appreciate all the unbelievable things your body is capable of. Think about those things when you’re feeling down in it.
13.) Learn to say no. Say no to the things that have hurt you, to the jobs you hate, the people that make your eyes water.
14.) The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. So make it a good one. Love yourself (cliche, sorry). Never belittle yourself. You are worthy. You are amazing. You are a part of this world and make an impact. Never forget that.
15.) It’s better to have regrets than “what ifs”. Take chances. You may just have the time of your life.
16.) Making others smile will never fail to make you smile as well. Sprinkle kindness wherever you go. Leave everyone a little bit happier than when you met them.
17.) There are people that care, people that want to look out for you. Listen to them, trust them. Sometimes your own vision gets clouded when you get blinded by emotions.
18.) Do not waste your time trying to explain yourself to someone committed to misunderstanding you. Anyone who doubts you is not a real friend. Learn to let these toxic people pass through life like a summer breeze, not a ravenous storm.
Cheers to 17 1/2 years of life, and what the 18th will bring.
xo, maddy

When Your World Falls Apart

It’s been one of those weeks when you start off jumping out of bed, singing your favorite songs even though its 5 in the morning, ready to tackle the day and sprinkle kindness where you go. Untillllll we reached Friday. Ever since then the days have been piling up with negativity and heading in a downward spiral to the land of no where.

What’s important to remind ourselves in these situations is that 1. They will come to an end 2. Keep fighting. I know it may seem impossible, like everyone is against you, like your whole world is crashing down right before you eyes. However I need you to keep holding on.

Letter to those who are having a rough day or week or month like myself:

I am so unbelievably proud of you. Every day you get out of bed even though all you want to do is stay under the covers. Every day you take a shower, get dressed, put food in your body, and leave the safety of your home for the chaos of this world.

To me, that’s a profound act of bravery. You are choosing to live despite your tiredness, hopelessness, and brokenness provoked by the weeks events. You cling to the light instead of the dark. You leave your comfort zone every day for the unknown.

I’m proud of you. I hope you are proud of you. I hope you know how those seemingly little acts of courage are really the greatest moments of bravery. I hope that you will continue to rise each day and live your life, no matter what turmoil comes your way.

So thank you for living. Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting. For trying. Thank you for being in this world with me. Thank you for holding on when you want to let go.

Thank you for trusting in tomorrow.

Because you have the power to make tomorrow a better day.

-Maddy