It’s weird how things can go from being so care-free and wonderful to suddenly take a turn for the worst in just a matter of months. You go somewhere different, are put in a new environment, meet new people, experience new things….so many things change in in your life. And with that change comes discomfort. It’s scary. Terrifying. And slowly but surely the thoughts begin to creep back into your mind. The eating disorder jumps right in ready to save you from the uncertainty, yet again. Even though you are well aware of how god awful life is when living under the wrath of the ed, you simply can’t resist. In fact, you don’t even notice yourself falling under its spell. And soon enough, you get to a point where you’re terrified as to what life will be like without the eating disorder. For years, I couldn’t even fathom what my existence would be without it. It was my security blanket, and I had become dependant on it to get me through the agonizing uncertainty life brings along with change.
I’m sitting here today, in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and tangled in wires, heart racing when the doctors and dietitians step foot in my room, reflecting on my journey so far. In the past, I remember sitting in treatment, going through the motions, doing what they told me to do just so I could get back home and go right back to what I was doing before. Right back into the comfort of the ed. It was as if the ed was there waiting for me, open arms, willing to take me right back in under its deadly control.
Today, I sit here, committing myself to recovery. Truly, genuinely, wanting this. Ready to kick the ed in the ass and regain my health, happiness, LIFE. Learning that this obsessive mindset that has taken over my brain as a result of this demon trying to control my life does not need to be permanent. That I have the ability to break through these thoughts. And continually break through them, until they become more of a whisper rather than a yell, and I won’t even be able to hear them because my own thoughts are stronger. When the desire to live and truly thrive becomes stronger than the desire to escape and shrink myself into nothing.
“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself”
Is every day going to be easy now? Hell no. But each day, I strive to fight. As each meal goes by and each day passes, the demonic thoughts wait for any reason to
crawl back into my mind and take over. But, I am resilient. My heart is full. My passion for life is growing. I am not the shattered, broken girl the ed claims I am. I am more than the hopelessness that takes over deep within my core and the fear that rushes through my veins. I am a fighter, and I will beat this. I will kill the demon that tried to kill me. You may see me struggle, but you will never see me give up.
just a few simple mantras for you to tell yourself on the good days, the bad days, and everything in between. start every day off with something positive when you look at yourself in the mirror.
- You are hereby declared a strong, resilient warrior of heroic proportions. Enjoy your battles, whatever they are, because you are guaranteed to come through them stronger, brighter, and more compassionate.
- I choose to live a life of my fullest potential. I trust that this will draw me towards experiences and people that support my growth and accomplishment. Tuning into this frequency, I now reach higher heights than I ever thought possible.
- I believe in magic. I see evidence of it all the time. And though the tricks can probably explained in a sensible, rational way, I choose to not ruin the fun. I choose to believe in the magic.
- I am exactly where I need to be, exactly when I need to be here. There’s nothing more I need to do because I am already here. I will take a deep breath, relax, and trust.
- I am a rare person. A precious one, too. My brilliance will be reflected back to me when I am paired with my true match. My ideal partners and working relationships are easy-going, free-flowing. I deserve greatness, because I AM GREATNESS.
Cheers to a good morning, a new day, a fresh start, and a hot cup of coffee
“Your eyes are lacking that sparkle and cheer they had when I first met you.” -january 21st
“You know, this is a fatal illness. And you’re walking down a very narrow pathway.” – january 23rd
I’ve always found comfort in the extremes. I’ve always like the idea of this peaceful mindset, happy and healthy life. The idea of going ice skating with my friends and walking around the mall and celebrating holidays freely. The idea of waking up in the morning with a smile and the sun shining through my window. Yet at the same time, there was something exhilarating about those two statement one of my doctors had said to me. This messed up idea of comfort. Being sick takes away the uncertainty. The fear. The real world fades away and suddenly you don’t have to worry about a single thing. So full of emptiness. Something about being so sick just felt so right, like I was finally doing something right.
WHY ON EARTH HOW DO YOU FIND THIS COMFORT IN SUCH A SCARY SITUATION YOU CRAZY
Well, let me tell you: If you’ve never craved the feeling of complete and utter emptiness, you won’t ever fully understand why someone would pursue this mission to become empty. It’s a feeling of accomplishment when nothing else is going right.
However, it comes to an end. And for me, January 25th marked the end of (hardly) surviving in this black and white world and beginning to travel to the gray area. The area filled with uncertainty, fear, doubt.
Today is March 10th. It’s been 6 1/2 weeks. Every day is filled with constant decisions to stay on the right path. To be completely honest, it gets tiring waking up each morning knowing the hesitancy can creep back at any time.
However, each day I wake up stronger. Each day I fight that ambivalence, no matter how strong the desire the crawl back into the previous comfort that I had beforehand. Each morning I wake up, I acknowledge that uncertainty, that desire to go back to the ways things used to be. And slap it in the face.
Today marks one week of being back at home. 7 days. 10080 minutes spent choosing to continue. And it’s been anything but easy. But I can already tell that the hard work I’ve put in these past 6 1/2 weeks are already paying off and cannot wait to see my life continue to unfold as I persist and fight. Today, I choose to keep going.
And that is not something I could have said back on january 23rd.
It’s kind of funny, looking back to two years ago, knowing that I wrote about all 365 days I had spent being free from the hospitals-yet here I am, after breaking that streak, returning to a simple 7 days. But you know what? That’s okay. Because this is only the beginning.
From here on out, I will flourish. I will thrive. I will grow and gain more and more hope as each day passes by, no matter what challenges may come my way.
I will continue.
- Don’t stick to those who are good to you 20% of the time because the other 80% isn’t worth the torture.
- Great things come outside of your comfort zone.
- Don’t make excuses for those who treat you less than you deserve. I know that **deep down** you know that you deserve to be surrounded by those who enhance your life each and every moment and don’t cause fights and bitterness. You deserve the same magnificence you put into those you care about.
- Take a deep breath and just simply be present. The only moment you have control over is now. Relish it, be mindful. Slap the overthinking and the overanalyzing in the face.
- Sometimes you slip. But be also damn proud of yourself when you watch yourself slipping and stop instead of letting yourself continuously fall into this downward spiral.
- If you ever find yourself stuck in your thoughts, get outside. Talk to people. Laugh. Help others out. Smile. Hug. Pet a dog. It all rebalances.
- The best weight you can be at is whatever you are at when you are able to live the healthiest life you can – enjoying each moment, able to go out to eat with your friends, not being consumed with food/exercise thoughts, thriving on self-love. You cannot live a glorious life fueled with self-hatred and constantly critiquing this body of yours.
- Remember to spend quality time with yourself. Make your own personal happiness and wellbeing your #1 priority.
- Your body is one pretty freaking amazing being. Always working to keep you alive; making sure you breathe while you sleep, repairing broken bones, allowing your heart to beat several beats a minute. It loves you oh so much. Love it back, quit creating a war with yourself.
- Life will never be perfect, but it can be pretty damn sensational if you let it.
So cheers to a new year. Be kind to yourself. Don’t let the negative committee in your head wear you down. Stand up. Be strong. Be a hero. Cheers to a year where we will go on new adventures, meet new people, experience new things, check things off our bucket lists. 2017 will be a good one with these reminders set in place.
We live in a world where it has become more normal to numb ourselves than it is to experience each wave of emotion that comes over us. We have become scared of the ‘crummy’ feelings. You know the ones – vulnerability, pain, loneliness, sadness, shame, etc. And maybe we’ve become scared of the good ones too – the happiness, joy, excitement, love. We fall into this addiction and vicious cycle in order to turn our emotional mind off. We’re entrenched deep in our fears, terrified of getting lost in the paralyzing world of these messy emotions. At the same time, we are so numbed out it’s as if we don’t feel worthy enough to let ourselves dive into the world of joy and undergo the positive, vibrant emotions that we truly are deserving of. We have become afraid of crumbling and afraid of rising; yet when we avoid both, we remain stagnant in this ongoing numbness that ultimately will bring our lives to a screeching halt.
I know, feeling is scary. And if you’ve been numb or blinded for long enough, it may also sound batshit crazy, something completely out of your reach. Then there’s the flip side; when you finally gain your sight back and drop that addiction or whatever may be dragging you down, thawing out those feelings and having your mind flustered with the overwhelming emotions hurts like a bitch. Everything that has been suffocating you crashes into you at high intensity. Learning to wade through these waves, to keep swimming despite the crashing waters is one of the hardest lessons you’ll face; but oh please trust me, it opens you up to so much beauty and light and potential.
Feeling is one of the most courageous decisions you can make. Giving yourself permission to express your emotions, ride through them, and let go of the aspects in your life that bring you down and drown you isn’t only important – it’s truly what you owe to yourself. You owe it to yourself to gain your sight back and recognize what is drowning you, what makes you feel distressed. You owe it to yourself to feel the good side of things – the joy, happiness, love. To be around those who truly care about you, removing toxicity from your surroundings.
Let the feelings flow. Keep your heart wide open. And if you’re trapped the pain and heartache and crumminess, I promise you your day is coming. The vicious cycle of being stuck in your heart-wrenching situation and caught in the numbness will end as soon as you let yourself become vulnerable and feel. Acknowledge those who are out there that care for you and purge the reluctant thoughts that are keeping you stuck.
Your bright and shiny days are coming. Remember your worth. Be honest with your feelings and chase after what your heart truly and genuinely wants.
To anyone out there struggling-
it gets better. There are hard moments, moments where you will want to stop completely. But keep. on. going. In the future you’ll look back and be so damn proud of yourself for the fact that you marched right through those negative thoughts and made it through yet another day despite the whispers in your ears telling you to end it all.
You’ll be extraordinarily happy you kept going. You get a glimpse of life again. And life simply becomes..LIFE. Not days passing by surrounded by that burning sensation in your heart. You’re able to live. Explore. Have fun. Meet new people.
I cannot express how grateful I am for those who have helped me and continue to help me along this journey. I am beginning to have a glimpse of what true living is and that has an infinite value
So hang in there, my dear. It will be worth it. Recovery is worth it.
“Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That is who you really are. Let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.” C. Assaad
You have to believe in yourself. You have to. And if you don’t, you need someone with you that does. It’s that simple. If you can find someone that will believe in you when you don’t, then you’ve got a chance to be great. But, you can’t accomplish anything unless there is someone that looks at you and sees possibilities, sees potential. Preferably that person is you. But we all have doubts. We all get weak. We all get afraid.
At those moments, your someone is there.
At those moments, your someone believed.
Make sure you let them know that you appreciate them and realize that so many extraordinary things in your life would not have become reality without them.
Thank you to all the many friends I have met along this journey who have been there for me, believing in me when I was incapable of doing so myself. Thank you for convincing me to eat, when my mind took over and my body was too weak to tell me to do so. Thank you for comforting me in the late hours of the night persuading me to keep on fighting, to go just one more day. And repeating that to me day after day. Thank you for the encouraging words you spoke to me even when you knew they were exactly what I didn’t want to hear.
Thank you for everything.
set yourself up and rid the mind of failure. You are capable of far more than you allow yourself to believe. I guarantee you that.
“But why even try? Why try when I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to fail? Why bother setting myself for failure?”
“Because it’s there” -George Mallory to the NY Times when asked his reason as to climbing Mt Everest. The mountain had yet to be conquered. To reach the top had been thought by many to be impossible.
So, why do it? Valid question, right? Especially when one could spend their days chasing other dreams like wealth or their job or developing a life free of great challenges all together.
Life can not only be a challenge- life is a challenge. Look around you. Look inside you. Challenges as great as tackling Everest are every where.
So, why should you even bother with these challenges? Why should you try to break through these walls others set upon you? Why try to climb these impossible challenges?
Because they are there.
Challenge those thoughts of doubt. Convince your mind otherwise. What about that .1% chance that you will succeed?
I know, such a foreign concept in the world of negativity. But what will you know you can accomplish if you don’t even try? If you consistently tell yourself you are incapable of reaching your goal, how on earth are you ever supposed to reach it?
Go out and explore. Do things to help you reach your goals. HelI, go out and reach for the stars. I challenge you.