It’s weird how things can go from being so care-free and wonderful to suddenly take a turn for the worst in just a matter of months. You go somewhere different, are put in a new environment, meet new people, experience new things….so many things change in in your life. And with that change comes discomfort. It’s scary. Terrifying. And slowly but surely the thoughts begin to creep back into your mind. The eating disorder jumps right in ready to save you from the uncertainty, yet again. Even though you are well aware of how god awful life is when living under the wrath of the ed, you simply can’t resist. In fact, you don’t even notice yourself falling under its spell. And soon enough, you get to a point where you’re terrified as to what life will be like without the eating disorder. For years, I couldn’t even fathom what my existence would be without it. It was my security blanket, and I had become dependant on it to get me through the agonizing uncertainty life brings along with change.
I’m sitting here today, in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and tangled in wires, heart racing when the doctors and dietitians step foot in my room, reflecting on my journey so far. In the past, I remember sitting in treatment, going through the motions, doing what they told me to do just so I could get back home and go right back to what I was doing before. Right back into the comfort of the ed. It was as if the ed was there waiting for me, open arms, willing to take me right back in under its deadly control.
Today, I sit here, committing myself to recovery. Truly, genuinely, wanting this. Ready to kick the ed in the ass and regain my health, happiness, LIFE. Learning that this obsessive mindset that has taken over my brain as a result of this demon trying to control my life does not need to be permanent. That I have the ability to break through these thoughts. And continually break through them, until they become more of a whisper rather than a yell, and I won’t even be able to hear them because my own thoughts are stronger. When the desire to live and truly thrive becomes stronger than the desire to escape and shrink myself into nothing.
“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself”
Is every day going to be easy now? Hell no. But each day, I strive to fight. As each meal goes by and each day passes, the demonic thoughts wait for any reason to
crawl back into my mind and take over. But, I am resilient. My heart is full. My passion for life is growing. I am not the shattered, broken girl the ed claims I am. I am more than the hopelessness that takes over deep within my core and the fear that rushes through my veins. I am a fighter, and I will beat this. I will kill the demon that tried to kill me. You may see me struggle, but you will never see me give up.