“But why not now?”
What even are these extravagant moments if they aren’t remembered-or worse, if they never occurred because you always held back?
I was recently asked, “if you were handed a book about your life, would you skip til the very end to find out the biggest mystery life contains?”
Maybe your initial response is “fuck yes I would fast forward my way through season 6 to figure out who the Gossip Girl is before anyone else does”
Or maybe you are rereading your past chapters, laughing at younger self and the back-and-forth thoughts of whether you and Ryan Gosling would get married and whether the wedding would be on an all-inclusive island or in the most magnificent castle on Earth?
Or would you go through page by page, reading your story and absorbing the magic of your greatest adventures (whilst sipping your green tea on your yoga mat in your Lululemon to channel your inner yogi)?
Today, I sit here, soon to be moving onto a whole new road of my life; with the graduation of high school (T-82 days, not that I’m keeping track or anything) and soon to be celebrating another year of my life on this planet (23 days and I’m another year older yet still feel 5). At the beginning of a new year, at the beginning of hopefully pulling myself out from the deepest of trenches and up into the light, I am not going to wait another day to start. I will start here, where I am, scared, afraid, terrified, and all. Not fearing what the future has to hold, not regretting the past, just simply..being. I am moving page by page, moment by moment. Knowing that each day I fight through, my book of stories will only grow longer and longer so I can look back at all the wonderful things I have done.
Celebrate what you have in this very moment. Your future will come. Don’t rush. Forgive. Live.
And hopefully many, many, many years down the road (because I will make it through the battles I face and long live the troubles) I will be pretty damn proud that I didn’t wait, didn’t hold back.
So start now, living each moment. Not fast forwarding into the future, not remaining stuck in the past – simply being right here, right now.
Look in the mirror. Yes, right now.
Take a look at those blue eyes of yours – and remember they aren’t blue.
They are sapphire against turquoise mixed with the most beautiful royal blue, and when they water they glow, they are two perfect spheres the same color as the sky on the perfect summer day.
They are not simple.
You are not as simple as you think you are, as you may have been told you are.
You’re a soft, tender, loving thing. A little bit of a mess, a little scatterbrained – and that’s okay. You have fallen and you have risen day after day, you are a trophy of the shreds of your triumphs and tragedies. You have been stitched up by ounces of hope that you have collected over the years despite the many hardships-yet you still shine.
You still radiate.
Your big heart may get you hurt. You may be left feeling a little lost, a little confused, a little abandoned. I cannot promise you that this journey you are about to embark of moving past this hopelessness is going to be easy, but I can assure you, I can promise you, it will be so damn worth it. Remember, this big heart of yours has filled you with so much love and empathy and every feat you have faced has grown this heart of yours to be even greater, even tougher.
And I know it sucks to feel so much in a world that moves too fast for feelings. I know how you feel. Afraid of the world seeing you at your weakest. Craving to shrink yourself into the smallest, most insignificant ball of nothing. Wanting to withdraw from the outside world and crawl away into the some underground wonderland, pretending nothing else exists-that you don’t exist.
Afterall, I’m in my own journey of searching for that underground wonderland of nothingness myself, too. To be honest, I have been living a life where I am scared to share my true ambitions and passions because of the fear of disappointment. I have gone to bed too many nights afraid to share the amount of passion that is overflowing from this five-foot-two body of mine.
However, I want to escape this trapped mindset I’m stuck in. I want to live. I want to feel, to explore the tenderness of this big heart I have contained in my chest. To look in the mirror and look past these so-called simplistic blue eyes of mine.
I want to impact others. I want to influence the world in the most personal way. To spread encouragement through spreading my truths. To cultivate a life full of light and passion. Exploring this uniqueness I possess. Simply living and being, energizing my soul and redefining happiness. Cultivating the passion and abundance I have to offer this world.
I want to flourish.
I want to relinquish my fears and share my true ambitions, pushing past the doubts and judgement.
So together, us big-hearted people who are ultimately fearing our own self-discovery, we will embrace these sympathetic and intricate lives we have unknowingly been living.
For me personally, I will take this one day at a time, one bite at a time. Go to bed every night with the intention that each day I will wake up and feed my mind and my body in order to nourish and flourish. It may look different for you, or perhaps you need to do the same thing as well. Either way, cheers to new beginnings, new strengths to be discovered, new skills learned to defeat these feelings of self-doubt.
Embrace your feels, embrace that big heart of yours, embrace those two perfect spheres that sparkle when you talk about the things that set your soul on fire.
- Don’t stick to those who are good to you 20% of the time because the other 80% isn’t worth the torture.
- Great things come outside of your comfort zone.
- Don’t make excuses for those who treat you less than you deserve. I know that **deep down** you know that you deserve to be surrounded by those who enhance your life each and every moment and don’t cause fights and bitterness. You deserve the same magnificence you put into those you care about.
- Take a deep breath and just simply be present. The only moment you have control over is now. Relish it, be mindful. Slap the overthinking and the overanalyzing in the face.
- Sometimes you slip. But be also damn proud of yourself when you watch yourself slipping and stop instead of letting yourself continuously fall into this downward spiral.
- If you ever find yourself stuck in your thoughts, get outside. Talk to people. Laugh. Help others out. Smile. Hug. Pet a dog. It all rebalances.
- The best weight you can be at is whatever you are at when you are able to live the healthiest life you can – enjoying each moment, able to go out to eat with your friends, not being consumed with food/exercise thoughts, thriving on self-love. You cannot live a glorious life fueled with self-hatred and constantly critiquing this body of yours.
- Remember to spend quality time with yourself. Make your own personal happiness and wellbeing your #1 priority.
- Your body is one pretty freaking amazing being. Always working to keep you alive; making sure you breathe while you sleep, repairing broken bones, allowing your heart to beat several beats a minute. It loves you oh so much. Love it back, quit creating a war with yourself.
- Life will never be perfect, but it can be pretty damn sensational if you let it.
So cheers to a new year. Be kind to yourself. Don’t let the negative committee in your head wear you down. Stand up. Be strong. Be a hero. Cheers to a year where we will go on new adventures, meet new people, experience new things, check things off our bucket lists. 2017 will be a good one with these reminders set in place.
I am sitting here, at 1:13 in the afternoon, unable to complete tasks due to being held hostage by an endless stream of thought. Sitting here, suffocated in the fear of letting the vulnerability bleed out from my fingertips and onto the keyboard. Sitting here, overanalyzing even the simplest of situations. I am a people pleaser with a deep fear of disappointment. With this aspect shining through, I have been neglecting my own personal well being, because after all, only so much compassion can fit into this five-foot-two body of mine – all of which has been devoted to those around me. However, as I sit here a room full of complete and utter silence, typing out whatever comes to mind, my heart is gaining the capability to breathe again.
It’s scary when you feel as though your insides are spilling out and you’re left drowning in these black and white thoughts. It’s terrifying being told, “I know you’ve been through hell. I know you’re still going through it, battling to get out and escape” and hold back the tears. It’s exhausting and painful talking about this built up melancholy until your voice becomes hoarse. It’s saddening going about your day soon to be filled with disappointment of the fact that your imagination made things a little more hopeful with your relationships than they actually are.
However, as I sit here, I’m slowly but surely grasping onto the power of our thoughts and mentality in every situation. Our minds truly are a beautifully chaotic masterpiece, and learning to manage the clutter that takes place is quite the feat. Living in a world that rushes through life and making the conscious choice to thoroughly slow down can feel strange. However, it’s been a beautifully weird sensation – this completeness, this peace. As I sit here, in this quiet library on a Monday afternoon, I am aiming to clear my mind of this chaos with each word I type. I am aiming to relinquish my fears and cherish my own self. To look beyond those in front of me to fulfill this feeling of worthlessness and emptiness, because after all, my happiness cannot be found in the hands of others.
I want to flourish.
Tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1:13 in the afternoon, I will hopefully be able to cultivate the passion and abundance I have to offer this world whilst nourishing my own being. I will move past the uncomfortable experiences this Monday has brought me and will begin this audacious journey of nourishing and flourishing.
Because after all, I am unstoppable. I am irrefutable. I will go about my day with tenacity and authenticity. I will move past the negative thoughts that weigh me down and send me into this whirlpool of hopelessness.
Tomorrow, Tuesday, at 1:13, I will complete the tasks I set out to do, with a clear mind and open heart.
Gaining hope to gain my life back, to step away from doubts. I did not come this far to only come this far. Goal setting for a future of nourishing & flourishing
- To be one of those people who, when you look at, their eyes sparkle and they are simply a ray of sunshine. You see them and suddenly feel a little bit happier, a little more inspired. And they look back at you with warmth in their eyes and a smile that could turn any frown upside down. To be able to transfer this light onto anyone that crosses my path and sprinkle little bits of serenity everywhere I go.
- To do what I love. To help others achieve their goals and work towards gaining the life they’ve dreamed of. Help them do what they’re passionate about and watch that blossom. To turn struggle into something beautiful.
- To take risks and distance myself from fears. Never allow myself to become too comfortable to the point of feeling stuck. Thrive, not just survive.
- To remember that I am worthy. Worthy of staying on this earth, being a part of this life, simply just..living. To look myself in the mirror with a smile knowing this is a girl that can make your heart soft and eyes glisten . That I may get insecure and doubtful, but I have the power to light up your day if you allow me to. That although I may not allow you to talk to me before I get my breakfast (let’s be real, who really does), I will listen to your stories for hours on end. That I have things to offer.
So cheers to working towards a peace of mind, to learning to hold onto hope, no matter what storms may come my way.
1.)Other people are not the answer. Don’t seek your worth in others, don’t place you’re worth in their hands. You may think they help bring you peace and leave you happy-which they might-but in the end, it’s up to you. Be able to love yourself even if they weren’t a part of your life.
To anyone out there struggling-
it gets better. There are hard moments, moments where you will want to stop completely. But keep. on. going. In the future you’ll look back and be so damn proud of yourself for the fact that you marched right through those negative thoughts and made it through yet another day despite the whispers in your ears telling you to end it all.
You’ll be extraordinarily happy you kept going. You get a glimpse of life again. And life simply becomes..LIFE. Not days passing by surrounded by that burning sensation in your heart. You’re able to live. Explore. Have fun. Meet new people.
I cannot express how grateful I am for those who have helped me and continue to help me along this journey. I am beginning to have a glimpse of what true living is and that has an infinite value
So hang in there, my dear. It will be worth it. Recovery is worth it.
“Close your eyes and imagine the best version of you possible. That is who you really are. Let go of any part of you that doesn’t believe it.” C. Assaad
set yourself up and rid the mind of failure. You are capable of far more than you allow yourself to believe. I guarantee you that.
“But why even try? Why try when I’m 99.9% sure I’m going to fail? Why bother setting myself for failure?”
“Because it’s there” -George Mallory to the NY Times when asked his reason as to climbing Mt Everest. The mountain had yet to be conquered. To reach the top had been thought by many to be impossible.
So, why do it? Valid question, right? Especially when one could spend their days chasing other dreams like wealth or their job or developing a life free of great challenges all together.
Life can not only be a challenge- life is a challenge. Look around you. Look inside you. Challenges as great as tackling Everest are every where.
So, why should you even bother with these challenges? Why should you try to break through these walls others set upon you? Why try to climb these impossible challenges?
Because they are there.
Challenge those thoughts of doubt. Convince your mind otherwise. What about that .1% chance that you will succeed?
I know, such a foreign concept in the world of negativity. But what will you know you can accomplish if you don’t even try? If you consistently tell yourself you are incapable of reaching your goal, how on earth are you ever supposed to reach it?
Go out and explore. Do things to help you reach your goals. HelI, go out and reach for the stars. I challenge you.