“There will always be someone who will question your worth. Don’t let it be you.”
The past couple months have been a war inside my head; constant shooting of bullets for questions like, “Am I worthy of love?” “Am I enough?” “Why am I a terrible person, causing so much pain to those I love yet can’t stop?”
It is so easy to fall into this vicious cycle of thoughts, and oh so difficult to pull yourself out. I have been struggling immensely with questioning my worth, my value, my purpose on this planet. Whether or not I matter, make a difference, have an impact. The beautiful thing about life is that each and every day is a new day to wake up and begin again. To give yourself the
much-deserved love that you give everyone else. So next time you look in the mirror, repeat these to yourself. Next time you see someone struggling, tell them these words of encouragement. Keep repeating them, keep spreading them to others.
- You are loved, inside and out.
- Your dog’s eyes light up when they see you because you are one hell of an incredible person and mean the world to them
- Your 8-year-old self would probably think you’re pretty damn cool
- No one’s path is going to be perfectly linear. We all struggle, we’re all human. Our imperfections and flaws are what make us interesting.
- The sun continues to rise each and every morning, no matter how cloudy it gets at night. You can do the same.
Keep going, never stop fighting.
It’s weird how things can go from being so care-free and wonderful to suddenly take a turn for the worst in just a matter of months. You go somewhere different, are put in a new environment, meet new people, experience new things….so many things change in in your life. And with that change comes discomfort. It’s scary. Terrifying. And slowly but surely the thoughts begin to creep back into your mind. The eating disorder jumps right in ready to save you from the uncertainty, yet again. Even though you are well aware of how god awful life is when living under the wrath of the ed, you simply can’t resist. In fact, you don’t even notice yourself falling under its spell. And soon enough, you get to a point where you’re terrified as to what life will be like without the eating disorder. For years, I couldn’t even fathom what my existence would be without it. It was my security blanket, and I had become dependant on it to get me through the agonizing uncertainty life brings along with change.
I’m sitting here today, in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and tangled in wires, heart racing when the doctors and dietitians step foot in my room, reflecting on my journey so far. In the past, I remember sitting in treatment, going through the motions, doing what they told me to do just so I could get back home and go right back to what I was doing before. Right back into the comfort of the ed. It was as if the ed was there waiting for me, open arms, willing to take me right back in under its deadly control.
Today, I sit here, committing myself to recovery. Truly, genuinely, wanting this. Ready to kick the ed in the ass and regain my health, happiness, LIFE. Learning that this obsessive mindset that has taken over my brain as a result of this demon trying to control my life does not need to be permanent. That I have the ability to break through these thoughts. And continually break through them, until they become more of a whisper rather than a yell, and I won’t even be able to hear them because my own thoughts are stronger. When the desire to live and truly thrive becomes stronger than the desire to escape and shrink myself into nothing.
“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself”
Is every day going to be easy now? Hell no. But each day, I strive to fight. As each meal goes by and each day passes, the demonic thoughts wait for any reason to
crawl back into my mind and take over. But, I am resilient. My heart is full. My passion for life is growing. I am not the shattered, broken girl the ed claims I am. I am more than the hopelessness that takes over deep within my core and the fear that rushes through my veins. I am a fighter, and I will beat this. I will kill the demon that tried to kill me. You may see me struggle, but you will never see me give up.
The other week I was asked, ““What is one small simple thing that makes you smile?” This question was a lot easier to answer than I thought I was going to be. Suddenly I had a running list in my mind of all the little sweet moments in life that warm my heart.
-When you see dogs stick their heads out the windows of cars while driving and their ears flop in the wind, their tongue sticks out, and they looks so pure, so happy.
-Those nostalgic commercials on TV you see for your childhood favorites like Jif peanut butter or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
-Those nights where you are with great people and you completely lose track of time because you are so absorbed into the moment. You know that ones-they cause your face to hurt because it has been hours upon hours and you have yet to stop smiling. The times when you are sitting there with whoever makes you happiest realizing that you literally aren’t doing anything yet you remain in that serene state, always smiling.
When I was thinking of these things it reminded me that despite the hardships and troubled past I have lived, these little things are still able to bring me joy.
My favorite is when I see those who I know have struggled and been through the most in their lives that come out with the biggest smiles. Somehow, they show up at the end of the day not being defined by despair or torment. They show up with a smile that screams triumph and resilience.
They live their lives on a different viewpoint than the average Joe; they see things in a different light. A brighter light.
These kinds of souls are incredible if you think about it. Despite being torn down, they’ve built themselves back up. They have somehow fought through the demons in order to reach that light at the end of the tunnel. They understand fearful and ugly moments you may go through in life because they have been there themselves. Several times. And have gotten through every. single. time. They sense the rainbow coming in after a rainstorm. They will dance in the rain rather than be fearful of getting wet.
These people will introduce you to a world you never knew existed because you never saw it the way they’ve seen it. Grasping onto every little thing that brings them happiness like they’ll never have it again. Because, in reality, that’s how it feels for them sometimes.
And because of this, they do not take things for granted. They hold power in life’s blissful moments.
“It’s amazing seeing you smile so brightly when just a few months ago you thought you would never see that light again. When you thought everything was ultimately hopeless, yet here you are, living in the moment and not taking these small experiences for granted. The freedom and magic you feel shows through these simple smiles in these simple moments. It’s truly incredible.” June 2nd, 2017. Told to me by a friend who had seen me in the depths of my despair to hearing my nonsense stories in the middle of the night when I was full of euphoria.
Hearing that made me think that maybe I, too, am one of these types of souls. Different from the average Joe. A tour guide of this new, blissful word. One to dance in the rain. One to stick her head out the window of the car with a dog whose ears are flapping in the wind and tongue sticking out. One to not let my battles define who I am or how I live.
If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be to keep these kinds of people close. They are not broken, let me tell you. Broken is too clear-cut. They are still here. Not broken, but rather some of the strongest, bravest, most resilient, people out there.
just a few simple mantras for you to tell yourself on the good days, the bad days, and everything in between. start every day off with something positive when you look at yourself in the mirror.
- You are hereby declared a strong, resilient warrior of heroic proportions. Enjoy your battles, whatever they are, because you are guaranteed to come through them stronger, brighter, and more compassionate.
- I choose to live a life of my fullest potential. I trust that this will draw me towards experiences and people that support my growth and accomplishment. Tuning into this frequency, I now reach higher heights than I ever thought possible.
- I believe in magic. I see evidence of it all the time. And though the tricks can probably explained in a sensible, rational way, I choose to not ruin the fun. I choose to believe in the magic.
- I am exactly where I need to be, exactly when I need to be here. There’s nothing more I need to do because I am already here. I will take a deep breath, relax, and trust.
- I am a rare person. A precious one, too. My brilliance will be reflected back to me when I am paired with my true match. My ideal partners and working relationships are easy-going, free-flowing. I deserve greatness, because I AM GREATNESS.
Cheers to a good morning, a new day, a fresh start, and a hot cup of coffee
“Your eyes are lacking that sparkle and cheer they had when I first met you.” -january 21st
“You know, this is a fatal illness. And you’re walking down a very narrow pathway.” – january 23rd
I’ve always found comfort in the extremes. I’ve always like the idea of this peaceful mindset, happy and healthy life. The idea of going ice skating with my friends and walking around the mall and celebrating holidays freely. The idea of waking up in the morning with a smile and the sun shining through my window. Yet at the same time, there was something exhilarating about those two statement one of my doctors had said to me. This messed up idea of comfort. Being sick takes away the uncertainty. The fear. The real world fades away and suddenly you don’t have to worry about a single thing. So full of emptiness. Something about being so sick just felt so right, like I was finally doing something right.
WHY ON EARTH HOW DO YOU FIND THIS COMFORT IN SUCH A SCARY SITUATION YOU CRAZY
Well, let me tell you: If you’ve never craved the feeling of complete and utter emptiness, you won’t ever fully understand why someone would pursue this mission to become empty. It’s a feeling of accomplishment when nothing else is going right.
However, it comes to an end. And for me, January 25th marked the end of (hardly) surviving in this black and white world and beginning to travel to the gray area. The area filled with uncertainty, fear, doubt.
Today is March 10th. It’s been 6 1/2 weeks. Every day is filled with constant decisions to stay on the right path. To be completely honest, it gets tiring waking up each morning knowing the hesitancy can creep back at any time.
However, each day I wake up stronger. Each day I fight that ambivalence, no matter how strong the desire the crawl back into the previous comfort that I had beforehand. Each morning I wake up, I acknowledge that uncertainty, that desire to go back to the ways things used to be. And slap it in the face.
Today marks one week of being back at home. 7 days. 10080 minutes spent choosing to continue. And it’s been anything but easy. But I can already tell that the hard work I’ve put in these past 6 1/2 weeks are already paying off and cannot wait to see my life continue to unfold as I persist and fight. Today, I choose to keep going.
And that is not something I could have said back on january 23rd.
It’s kind of funny, looking back to two years ago, knowing that I wrote about all 365 days I had spent being free from the hospitals-yet here I am, after breaking that streak, returning to a simple 7 days. But you know what? That’s okay. Because this is only the beginning.
From here on out, I will flourish. I will thrive. I will grow and gain more and more hope as each day passes by, no matter what challenges may come my way.
I will continue.
“But why not now?”
What even are these extravagant moments if they aren’t remembered-or worse, if they never occurred because you always held back?
I was recently asked, “if you were handed a book about your life, would you skip til the very end to find out the biggest mystery life contains?”
Maybe your initial response is “fuck yes I would fast forward my way through season 6 to figure out who the Gossip Girl is before anyone else does”
Or maybe you are rereading your past chapters, laughing at younger self and the back-and-forth thoughts of whether you and Ryan Gosling would get married and whether the wedding would be on an all-inclusive island or in the most magnificent castle on Earth?
Or would you go through page by page, reading your story and absorbing the magic of your greatest adventures (whilst sipping your green tea on your yoga mat in your Lululemon to channel your inner yogi)?
Today, I sit here, soon to be moving onto a whole new road of my life; with the graduation of high school (T-82 days, not that I’m keeping track or anything) and soon to be celebrating another year of my life on this planet (23 days and I’m another year older yet still feel 5). At the beginning of a new year, at the beginning of hopefully pulling myself out from the deepest of trenches and up into the light, I am not going to wait another day to start. I will start here, where I am, scared, afraid, terrified, and all. Not fearing what the future has to hold, not regretting the past, just simply..being. I am moving page by page, moment by moment. Knowing that each day I fight through, my book of stories will only grow longer and longer so I can look back at all the wonderful things I have done.
Celebrate what you have in this very moment. Your future will come. Don’t rush. Forgive. Live.
And hopefully many, many, many years down the road (because I will make it through the battles I face and long live the troubles) I will be pretty damn proud that I didn’t wait, didn’t hold back.
So start now, living each moment. Not fast forwarding into the future, not remaining stuck in the past – simply being right here, right now.
Look in the mirror. Yes, right now.
Take a look at those blue eyes of yours – and remember they aren’t blue.
They are sapphire against turquoise mixed with the most beautiful royal blue, and when they water they glow, they are two perfect spheres the same color as the sky on the perfect summer day.
They are not simple.
You are not as simple as you think you are, as you may have been told you are.
You’re a soft, tender, loving thing. A little bit of a mess, a little scatterbrained – and that’s okay. You have fallen and you have risen day after day, you are a trophy of the shreds of your triumphs and tragedies. You have been stitched up by ounces of hope that you have collected over the years despite the many hardships-yet you still shine.
You still radiate.
Your big heart may get you hurt. You may be left feeling a little lost, a little confused, a little abandoned. I cannot promise you that this journey you are about to embark of moving past this hopelessness is going to be easy, but I can assure you, I can promise you, it will be so damn worth it. Remember, this big heart of yours has filled you with so much love and empathy and every feat you have faced has grown this heart of yours to be even greater, even tougher.
And I know it sucks to feel so much in a world that moves too fast for feelings. I know how you feel. Afraid of the world seeing you at your weakest. Craving to shrink yourself into the smallest, most insignificant ball of nothing. Wanting to withdraw from the outside world and crawl away into the some underground wonderland, pretending nothing else exists-that you don’t exist.
Afterall, I’m in my own journey of searching for that underground wonderland of nothingness myself, too. To be honest, I have been living a life where I am scared to share my true ambitions and passions because of the fear of disappointment. I have gone to bed too many nights afraid to share the amount of passion that is overflowing from this five-foot-two body of mine.
However, I want to escape this trapped mindset I’m stuck in. I want to live. I want to feel, to explore the tenderness of this big heart I have contained in my chest. To look in the mirror and look past these so-called simplistic blue eyes of mine.
I want to impact others. I want to influence the world in the most personal way. To spread encouragement through spreading my truths. To cultivate a life full of light and passion. Exploring this uniqueness I possess. Simply living and being, energizing my soul and redefining happiness. Cultivating the passion and abundance I have to offer this world.
I want to flourish.
I want to relinquish my fears and share my true ambitions, pushing past the doubts and judgement.
So together, us big-hearted people who are ultimately fearing our own self-discovery, we will embrace these sympathetic and intricate lives we have unknowingly been living.
For me personally, I will take this one day at a time, one bite at a time. Go to bed every night with the intention that each day I will wake up and feed my mind and my body in order to nourish and flourish. It may look different for you, or perhaps you need to do the same thing as well. Either way, cheers to new beginnings, new strengths to be discovered, new skills learned to defeat these feelings of self-doubt.
Embrace your feels, embrace that big heart of yours, embrace those two perfect spheres that sparkle when you talk about the things that set your soul on fire.
Sometimes, those random Thursday nights can come by and hit you in the heart like a ton of bricks. When you sit in bed, far before the night is over, feeling lonely as ever. When all your struggles compile into one force and crush you down. When you are buried in pillows craving someone to come swoop you up and save you, to kiss your bruised up arms and tell you everything will be alright.
It’s on these nights that our guarded hearts break down and we realize love is both a weakness and a strength; even the darkest of us can still become weak with love. That despite the walls we have built up, despite the scars we are made up of, despite hardships, love can still get in. It’s on these nights when the negative thoughts continuously bleed out from our veins, no matter how many band-aids we slap on.
These are the nights you must fight against the demons in your mind. When you must open up to others (it will be oh so difficult yet oh so worth it). Breaking down your guarded walls will only lead you to a path of hope and faith in the future. And when that Thursday night struts its way into your life, I will be here, listening, talking, hugging. When you need someone here to melt into, someone to hug, but yet you find no one to wrap your arms around, look for me. I’ll be alive in your dreams when you are immersed deep in your thoughts laying in your bed on this Thursday night. I will be there for you, all throughout the day and into your dreams and nightmares. My arms will remain wide open and my ears will be ready to listen to your deepest secrets.
During these dreams of yours, it is often when I myself am drowning in my own struggles. When I need someone to distract the monsters in my mind, hug me, and let me know things will get better. That’s when I need you most.
We will be here for each other. We promised each other, way back, on a different Thursday night.
And that is when I realized, that love truly can seep into those who hold a dark past, those who are in pain.
That is when I realized that two hearts made up of cracks and crevices can fill each other back up. Thank you for being there for me. I will be here for you.