for the future

dear maddy,
I hope you find and reread this in the future. I hope that when you look back on the person you were, you will sit in peace with a smile grazing across your face. I hope that you smile. My god, I hope you smile so bright; every moment leading up to where you are right now, the decisions you have made, the bites you have taken, the people you have met…they’re all shaping you to become someone great. Someone that you may not even know yet.
Promise me that you will chase after your dreams and keep your heart lifted, moving forward. But please, don’t forget to enjoy life, travel the world, experience the spontaneity. Know that you are wonderfully made and that it is never too late. Never too late to pursue your dreams, to light your soul on fire, or simply begin again. I hope you keep those who support you near and dear, as there is no need to trek through this journey on your own. These people are the most magnificent, powerful, supportive people out there. Hold them close, cherish each and every one of them. (z)
As far as yourself, I hope you learn to love yourself. I hope you continue to show love to those you hold near and dear to you, to strangers, and everyone in-between. I hope you begin to wake up with a smile, with a life full of adventures ahead of you. I hope you gain the ability to hold onto your strength, your power. I hope you begin to realize the future has the potential to be bright. That there IS a future. Don’t give up. Never stop fighting. There are some breathtaking things ahead of you. Don’t lose faith, and become comfortable with sitting in the discomfort. It gets better. You one hell of a brave human being. Everything you need is already in you.
xoxo, maddy
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never stop fighting

“There will always be someone who will question your worth. Don’t let it be you.”

The past couple months have been a war inside my head; constant shooting of bullets for questions like, “Am I worthy of love?” “Am I enough?” “Why am I a terrible person, causing so much pain to those I love yet can’t stop?”

It is so easy to fall into this vicious cycle of thoughts, and oh so difficult to pull yourself out. I have been struggling immensely with questioning my worth, my value, my purpose on this planet. Whether or not I matter, make a difference, have an impact. The beautiful thing about life is that each and every day is a new day to wake up and begin again. To give yourself the

much-deserved love that you give everyone else. So next time you look in the mirror, repeat these to yourself. Next time you see someone struggling, tell them these words of encouragement. Keep repeating them, keep spreading them to others.

  1. You are loved, inside and out.
  2. Your dog’s eyes light up when they see you because you are one hell of an incredible person and mean the world to them
  3. Your 8-year-old self would probably think you’re pretty damn cool
  4. No one’s path is going to be perfectly linear. We all struggle, we’re all human. Our imperfections and flaws are what make us interesting.
  5. The sun continues to rise each and every morning, no matter how cloudy it gets at night. You can do the same.

Keep going, never stop fighting.

xoxo, maddy

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march 7th, 5:24 pm; quick reminders

If you spend your entire life avoiding all things that make you uncomfortable, you would never find growth. Instead, you would remain stagnant. complacent. stuck in habit, living in autopilot. You will never experience the sweet taste of spontaneity. You will never feel the goosebumps that arise on your skin as you go through terrifying changes (only to later discover their indescribable beauty). You would never appreciate the Screen Shot 2018-03-07 at 5.26.52 PMgenuine relief your heart feels when you open up to the abundance the world has to offer.
So what if we changed this? We added “do something that makes you uncomfortable” to our calendars?
So with that, go jump into your imagination and be uncomfortable.
xoxo, maddy

Jan 20th: 10:42 am

It’s weird how things can go from being so care-free and wonderful to suddenly take a turn for the worst in just a matter of months. You go somewhere different, are put in a new environment, meet new people, experience new things….so many things change in in your life. And with that change comes discomfort. It’s scary. Terrifying. And slowly but surely the thoughts begin to creep back into your mind. The eating disorder jumps right in ready to save you from the uncertainty, yet again. Even though you are well aware of how god awful life is when living under the wrath of the ed, you simply can’t resist. In fact, you don’t even notice yourself falling under its spell. And soon enough, you get to a point where you’re terrified as to what life will be like without the eating disorder. For years, I couldn’t even fathom what my existence would be without it. It was my security blanket, and I had become dependant on it to get me through the agonizing uncertainty life brings along with change.

I’m sitting here today, in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and tangled in wires, heart racing when the doctors and dietitians step foot in my room, reflecting on my journey so far. In the past, I remember sitting in treatment, going through the motions, doing what they told me to do just so I could get back home and go right back to what I was doing before. Right back into the comfort of the ed. It was as if the ed was there waiting for me, open arms, willing to take me right back in under its deadly control.

Today, I sit here, committing myself to recovery. Truly, genuinely, wanting this. Ready to kick the ed in the ass and regain my health, happiness, LIFE. Learning that this obsessive mindset that has taken over my brain as a result of this demon trying to control my life does not need to be permanent. That I have the ability to break through these thoughts. And continually break through them, until they become more of a whisper rather than a yell, and I won’t even be able to hear them because my own thoughts are stronger. When the desire to live and truly thrive becomes stronger than the desire to escape and shrink myself into nothing.


“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself”


Is every day going to be easy now? Hell no. But each day, I strive to fight. As each meal goes by and each day passes, the demonic thoughts wait for any reason to 

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crawl back into my mind and take over. But, I am resilient. My heart is full. My passion for life is growing. I am not the shattered, broken girl the ed claims I am. I am more than the hopelessness that takes over deep within my core and the fear that rushes through my veins. I am a fighter, and I will beat this. I will kill the demon that tried to kill me. You may see me struggle, but you will never see me give up.

what makes you smile?

The other week I was asked, ““What is one small simple thing that makes you smile?” This question was a lot easier to answer than I thought I was going to be. Suddenly I had a running list in my mind of all the little sweet moments in life that warm my heart.

-When you see dogs stick their heads out the windows of cars while driving and their ears flop in the wind, their tongue sticks out, and they looks so pure, so happy.

-Those nostalgic commercials on TV you see for your childhood favorites like Jif peanut butter or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

-Those nights where you are with great people and you completely lose track of time because you are so absorbed into the moment. You know that ones-they cause your face to hurt because it has been hours upon hours and you have yet to stop smiling. The times when you are sitting there with whoever makes you happiest realizing that you literally aren’t doing anything yet you remain in that serene state, always smiling.


When I was thinking of these things it reminded me that despite the hardships and troubled past I have lived, these little things are still able to bring me joy.

My favorite is when I see those who I know have struggled and been through the most in their lives that come out with the biggest smiles. Somehow, they show up at the end of the day not being defined by despair or torment. They show up with a smile that screams triumph and resilience.

They live their lives on a different viewpoint than the average Joe; they see things in a different light. A brighter light.

These kinds of souls are incredible if you think about it. Despite being torn down, they’ve built themselves back up. They have somehow fought through the demons in order to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.  They understand fearful and ugly moments you may go through in life because they have been there themselves. Several times. And have gotten through every. single. time. They sense the rainbow coming in after a rainstorm. They will dance in the rain rather than be fearful of getting wet.

These people will introduce you to a world you never knew existed because you never saw it the way they’ve seen it. Grasping onto every little thing that brings them happiness like they’ll never have it again. Because, in reality, that’s how it feels for them sometimes.

And because of this, they do not take things for granted. They hold power in life’s blissful moments.


“It’s amazing seeing you smile so brightly when just a few months ago you thought you would never see that light again. When you thought everything was ultimately hopeless, yet here you are, living in the moment and not taking these small experiences for granted. The freedom and magic you feel shows through these simple smiles in these simple moments. It’s truly incredible.” June 2nd, 2017. Told to me by a friend who had seen me in the depths of my despair to hearing my nonsense stories in the middle of the night when I was full of euphoria.

Hearing that made me think that maybe I, too, am one of these types of souls. Different from the average Joe. A tour guide of this new, blissful word. One to dance in the rain.  One to stick her head out the window of the car with a dog whose ears are flapping in the wind and tongue sticking out. One to not let my battles define who I am or how I live.

If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be to keep these kinds of people close. They are not broken, let me tell you. Broken is too clear-cut. They are still here. Not broken, but rather some of the strongest, bravest, most resilient, people out there.

 

xoxo, maddy

find your happy, find your tribe

April 18th, 2017

“It’s not often you find someone looking as happy as you look right now while grocery shopping. I appreciate it. Your smile is contagious.”


Lately, I’ve been wrapped up in this whirlpool of fantasies.

The kind of fantasy where time slows down yet your mind is racing, darting around like a hummingbird. But then, at the same time, your entire body remains completely calm and serene. It’s the most charming type of dreaming. Here I am, smiling like a fool in the grocery store trying to pick up some sweet potatoes. Taking risks for an extra dose of joy. Exploring life for the sole purpose of fulfillment. Authentic, heart pounding fulfillment. The kind of fantasy where time slows down yet your mind is racing, darting around like a hummingbird. 

I’ve never been one to really take risks or jump into new and daunting tasks. But the thing about being so wrapped up in fantasies is that my eyes have been opened to the new, incredible things that happen when you do just so. I’ve found myself spontaneously acting upon those butterflies in my stomach at 1 am while I’m lost in the depth of my emotions. Learning more about myself at the peak hours of the morning or the darkest times of the night. Stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing, thriving, living. Learning to stop fearing the unknown and grasping onto the concept of becoming uncomfortable in order to find comfort. 

It’s funny to think about how just a few months ago I remember sitting in a grey sectional grabbing onto a pillow for dear life, not thinking I would ever make it to where I am now. Absolutely distraught by the mess that my life had become, stuck in my own fears and doubts.

Yet here I am. 

I know for a fact I would never have made it this far without the incredible people I have met along the way.

On February 10th, I was sat down in that very grey sectional, looked at in the eyes and was told,  “Please, speak up for yourself. Please treat yourself like gold. You are not something to be forgotten. You are not something to be tossed to the side of the road”. 

One of the best things you could ever do for yourself is to fill your life with those who believe in you. Truly, genuinely, believe in you. Those who look at you when you’re speaking your passion and see the stars. Those who will lift you up when you’re falling, no matter how hard you fall or how badly you refuse their help. Those who help you recognize your worth, who help you see that you, yes YOU, most definitely should be treated like gold. That you are undeniably NOT something to be chucked out a car window onto the side of the road. 

Thank you to these people who have rescued me from myself in the past few months. Those who have helped me create these fantasies that hype my soul up enough to be found dancing in the grocery store.

This level of contentment and exploration of emotions is something I most definitely would not have gotten to without you all. So thank you. I will never stop thanking you.

{m, m, d, a, b, s, z, k, c, k, d, c, k, a, j}

mantras, reminders, self love

just a few simple mantras for you to tell yourself on the good days, the bad days, and everything in between. start every day off with something positive when you look at yourself in the mirror.

  • You are hereby declared a strong, resilient warrior of heroic proportions. Enjoy your battles, whatever they are, because you are guaranteed to come through them stronger, brighter, and more compassionate.
  • I choose to live a life of my fullest potential. I trust that this will draw me towards experiences and people that support my growth and accomplishment. Tuning into this frequency, I now reach higher heights than I ever thought possible.
  • I believe in magic. I see evidence of it all the time. And though the tricks can probably explained in a sensible, rational way, I choose to not ruin the fun. I choose to believe in the magic.
  • I am exactly where I need to be, exactly when I need to be here. There’s nothing more I need to do because I am already here. I will take a deep breath, relax, and trust.
  • I am a rare person. A precious one, too. My brilliance will be reflected back to me when I am paired with my true match. My ideal partners and working relationships are easy-going, free-flowing. I deserve greatness, because I AM GREATNESS.

Cheers to a good morning, a new day, a fresh start, and a hot cup of coffee

xoxo, maddy

Never set your alarm to your favorite song. That song will be ruined for the rest of your life. No questions asked. No exceptions.

That, is a lesson I learned the hard way.
But that’s the funny thing about life; the abundance of lessons to be learned and the process we go through in order to comprehend.
You see, we could sit back and think about how much things suck and question whether or not we can make it through. Some days we just don’t know where we are headed in the future or have all the answers to all the “but why’s” we ask. Some days it hurts to open our eyes because we are so scared and feel so helpless.
But listen.
You have made it through 100% of all your past troubles. You can make it through today.
It sucks sometimes to have to literally be thrown into the depths of our troubles in order to learn what needs to be learned. But that doesn’t mean you cannot escape, that things won’t ever get better.
Obviously, things take time. Takes time to grasp onto the harsh reality of something and then take the steps of action to move past it and grow from it.
But I hope you know your ability to do just so. I hope you recognize the fact that you are so beyond capable of growing from these troubles, from learning new lessons that will allow you to flourish in the future.
I hope you are able to let the sun in, to push the rain clouds away and welcome to new possibilities.
To know that yes, you are so damn SCARED of moving forward right now, but this fear WILL. NOT. LAST.
Look at this morning, for example. You got out of bed. (maybe it was cause that song was playing and you have to turn it off – either way, you did it). You took a deep breath and continued.
That, my friend, is truly admirable.
I hope as this year progresses, you learn to smile. To laugh. I hope you here the stupidest joke ever and let out a snort from that laugh of yours. I hope your eyes water and drip with tears because you are so, genuinely happy. I hope this laughter manages to lift your spirits and remind you of the fact that you escaped the fears that once set you down.
I hope you find someone who will let you know how cute your laugh is. I hope you make new adventures and learn new things with this person. I hope they make you laugh and you make them laugh. And together, the serenity created from your laughs reminds you of the fact that the lessons you have learned from your past were essential to reach this growth.
Sucks to have to learn things the hard way. But remember how much stronger that makes you. How much brighter these lessons make your smile. How much stronger and genuine your laugh will be in the future.
Believe me when I say that you are capable of escaping these dark trenches.
If I managed to turn my alarm off to that song without throwing my phone out the window (for several weeks, may I add), then this sure is possible.
Let us flourish as we learn these lessons. Let us become irrefutable and unstoppable.
xoxo, maddy

reminders for a fresh start, a new year, new beginnings

  1. Don’t stick to those who are good to you 20% of the time because the other 80% isn’t worth the torture.
  1. Great things come outside of your comfort zone.
  1.  Don’t make excuses for those who treat you less than you deserve. I know that **deep down** you know that you deserve to be surrounded by those who enhance your life each and every moment and don’t cause fights and bitterness. You deserve the same magnificence you put into those you care about.
  1. Take a deep breath and just simply be present. The only moment you have control over is now. Relish it, be mindful. Slap the overthinking and the overanalyzing in the face.
  1. Sometimes you slip. But be also damn proud of yourself when you watch yourself slipping and stop instead of letting yourself continuously fall into this downward spiral.
  1. If you ever find yourself stuck in your thoughts, get outside. Talk to people. Laugh. Help others out. Smile. Hug. Pet a dog. It all rebalances.
  1. The best weight you can be at is whatever you are at when you are able to live the healthiest life you can – enjoying each moment, able to go out to eat with your friends, not being consumed with food/exercise thoughts, thriving on self-love. You cannot live a glorious life fueled with self-hatred and constantly critiquing this body of yours.
  1. Remember to spend quality time with yourself. Make your own personal happiness and wellbeing your #1 priority.
  1. Your body is one pretty freaking amazing being. Always working to keep you alive; making sure you breathe while you sleep, repairing broken bones, allowing your heart to beat several beats a minute. It loves you oh so much. Love it back, quit creating a war with yourself.
  1. Life will never be perfect, but it can be pretty damn sensational if you let it.

So cheers to a new year. Be kind to yourself. Don’t let the negative committee in your head wear you down. Stand up. Be strong. Be a hero. Cheers to a year where we will go on new adventures, meet new people, experience new things, check things off our bucket lists. 2017 will be a good one with these reminders set in place.

 

xoxo, maddy

for the big, soft, tender hearts-never stop loving

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you will spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

However, maybe you’re the kind that is so full of care, so full of love, so full of the desire to see others reach their full potential. You care “too much”. Your heart is “too big”.

Maybe you’re the one to find yourself falling in love too easily, giving your heart away like it’s velcroed to your sleeve, ready to be ripped right off. Maybe you’re the one to stay up late, making sure those you care about are okay, making sure they get home safe and sound. To spend your late hours of the night listening to someone tell you silly stories and pour their heart out, ignoring the fact you’re exhausted and have a mile-long to-do list.

And maybe, you are drowning in the voices that tell you having a heart this big is a negative quality. And maybe, just maybe, you  need to stop apologizing for that.

Why is being full of love such a bad thing? Why are we so convinced that these feelings are “too much”? Because they break down your sheltered heart and expose your deepest secrets? Because it’s strong? Because it’s a hell of a brave yet rare characteristic in this world that so many are too damn afraid of?

In this world that is apprehensive of realizing our true feelings, in a world that is detouring around their emotions-you are enough. You are okay. You do not need to change a thing.

There is no law stating you must be sorry for having a big heart, for loving as hard as you do. Being someone that lets people in and allows themselves to candid and unguarded, that gives and gives and gives (even to those who don’t necessarily deserve it) is no crime.

Yes, it can be scary to simply not know how to give anything less than full love when you’re surrounded by people who are unsure or indifferent. When rejection and disappointment come and hit you like a slap in the face, it sucks. But your big heart holds enough room to be able to move on from these shitty moments, these feelings of worthlessness – as soon as you give yourself the same amount of worth and value you place on those you love.

Never let the world cheat you of who you are. Love without hesitations, without regret. Let people in. Give everything you have and apologize for none of it. Embrace your big heart. Keep believing in big love. It will cross your path, you will find that day when you are with someone who loves just as hard as you do, who values you just as much as you value them. And when that day comes, you’ll be happy you never changed.