what makes you smile?

The other week I was asked, ““What is one small simple thing that makes you smile?” This question was a lot easier to answer than I thought I was going to be. Suddenly I had a running list in my mind of all the little sweet moments in life that warm my heart.

-When you see dogs stick their heads out the windows of cars while driving and their ears flop in the wind, their tongue sticks out, and they looks so pure, so happy.

-Those nostalgic commercials on TV you see for your childhood favorites like Jif peanut butter or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

-Those nights where you are with great people and you completely lose track of time because you are so absorbed into the moment. You know that ones-they cause your face to hurt because it has been hours upon hours and you have yet to stop smiling. The times when you are sitting there with whoever makes you happiest realizing that you literally aren’t doing anything yet you remain in that serene state, always smiling.


When I was thinking of these things it reminded me that despite the hardships and troubled past I have lived, these little things are still able to bring me joy.

My favorite is when I see those who I know have struggled and been through the most in their lives that come out with the biggest smiles. Somehow, they show up at the end of the day not being defined by despair or torment. They show up with a smile that screams triumph and resilience.

They live their lives on a different viewpoint than the average Joe; they see things in a different light. A brighter light.

These kinds of souls are incredible if you think about it. Despite being torn down, they’ve built themselves back up. They have somehow fought through the demons in order to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.  They understand fearful and ugly moments you may go through in life because they have been there themselves. Several times. And have gotten through every. single. time. They sense the rainbow coming in after a rainstorm. They will dance in the rain rather than be fearful of getting wet.

These people will introduce you to a world you never knew existed because you never saw it the way they’ve seen it. Grasping onto every little thing that brings them happiness like they’ll never have it again. Because, in reality, that’s how it feels for them sometimes.

And because of this, they do not take things for granted. They hold power in life’s blissful moments.


“It’s amazing seeing you smile so brightly when just a few months ago you thought you would never see that light again. When you thought everything was ultimately hopeless, yet here you are, living in the moment and not taking these small experiences for granted. The freedom and magic you feel shows through these simple smiles in these simple moments. It’s truly incredible.” June 2nd, 2017. Told to me by a friend who had seen me in the depths of my despair to hearing my nonsense stories in the middle of the night when I was full of euphoria.

Hearing that made me think that maybe I, too, am one of these types of souls. Different from the average Joe. A tour guide of this new, blissful word. One to dance in the rain.  One to stick her head out the window of the car with a dog whose ears are flapping in the wind and tongue sticking out. One to not let my battles define who I am or how I live.

If I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be to keep these kinds of people close. They are not broken, let me tell you. Broken is too clear-cut. They are still here. Not broken, but rather some of the strongest, bravest, most resilient, people out there.

 

xoxo, maddy

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find your happy, find your tribe

April 18th, 2017

“It’s not often you find someone looking as happy as you look right now while grocery shopping. I appreciate it. Your smile is contagious.”


Lately, I’ve been wrapped up in this whirlpool of fantasies.

The kind of fantasy where time slows down yet your mind is racing, darting around like a hummingbird. But then, at the same time, your entire body remains completely calm and serene. It’s the most charming type of dreaming. Here I am, smiling like a fool in the grocery store trying to pick up some sweet potatoes. Taking risks for an extra dose of joy. Exploring life for the sole purpose of fulfillment. Authentic, heart pounding fulfillment. The kind of fantasy where time slows down yet your mind is racing, darting around like a hummingbird. 

I’ve never been one to really take risks or jump into new and daunting tasks. But the thing about being so wrapped up in fantasies is that my eyes have been opened to the new, incredible things that happen when you do just so. I’ve found myself spontaneously acting upon those butterflies in my stomach at 1 am while I’m lost in the depth of my emotions. Learning more about myself at the peak hours of the morning or the darkest times of the night. Stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing, thriving, living. Learning to stop fearing the unknown and grasping onto the concept of becoming uncomfortable in order to find comfort. 

It’s funny to think about how just a few months ago I remember sitting in a grey sectional grabbing onto a pillow for dear life, not thinking I would ever make it to where I am now. Absolutely distraught by the mess that my life had become, stuck in my own fears and doubts.

Yet here I am. 

I know for a fact I would never have made it this far without the incredible people I have met along the way.

On February 10th, I was sat down in that very grey sectional, looked at in the eyes and was told,  “Please, speak up for yourself. Please treat yourself like gold. You are not something to be forgotten. You are not something to be tossed to the side of the road”. 

One of the best things you could ever do for yourself is to fill your life with those who believe in you. Truly, genuinely, believe in you. Those who look at you when you’re speaking your passion and see the stars. Those who will lift you up when you’re falling, no matter how hard you fall or how badly you refuse their help. Those who help you recognize your worth, who help you see that you, yes YOU, most definitely should be treated like gold. That you are undeniably NOT something to be chucked out a car window onto the side of the road. 

Thank you to these people who have rescued me from myself in the past few months. Those who have helped me create these fantasies that hype my soul up enough to be found dancing in the grocery store.

This level of contentment and exploration of emotions is something I most definitely would not have gotten to without you all. So thank you. I will never stop thanking you.

{m, m, d, a, b, s, z, k, c, k, d, c, k, a, j}

mantras, reminders, self love

just a few simple mantras for you to tell yourself on the good days, the bad days, and everything in between. start every day off with something positive when you look at yourself in the mirror.

  • You are hereby declared a strong, resilient warrior of heroic proportions. Enjoy your battles, whatever they are, because you are guaranteed to come through them stronger, brighter, and more compassionate.
  • I choose to live a life of my fullest potential. I trust that this will draw me towards experiences and people that support my growth and accomplishment. Tuning into this frequency, I now reach higher heights than I ever thought possible.
  • I believe in magic. I see evidence of it all the time. And though the tricks can probably explained in a sensible, rational way, I choose to not ruin the fun. I choose to believe in the magic.
  • I am exactly where I need to be, exactly when I need to be here. There’s nothing more I need to do because I am already here. I will take a deep breath, relax, and trust.
  • I am a rare person. A precious one, too. My brilliance will be reflected back to me when I am paired with my true match. My ideal partners and working relationships are easy-going, free-flowing. I deserve greatness, because I AM GREATNESS.

Cheers to a good morning, a new day, a fresh start, and a hot cup of coffee

xoxo, maddy

start now

“But why not now?” 

What even are these extravagant moments if they aren’t remembered-or worse, if they never occurred because you always held back? 

I was recently asked, “if you were handed a book about your life, would you skip til the very end to find out the biggest mystery life contains?”

Maybe your initial response is “fuck yes I would fast forward my way through season 6 to figure out who the Gossip Girl is before anyone else does”

Or maybe you are rereading your past chapters, laughing at younger self and the back-and-forth thoughts of whether you and Ryan Gosling would get married and whether the wedding would be on an all-inclusive island or in the most magnificent castle on Earth?

Or would you go through page by page, reading your story and absorbing the magic of your greatest adventures (whilst sipping your green tea on your yoga mat in your Lululemon to channel your inner yogi)?

Today, I sit here, soon to be moving onto a whole new road of my life; with the graduation of high school (T-82 days, not that I’m keeping track or anything) and soon to be celebrating another year of my life on this planet (23 days and I’m another year older yet still feel 5). At the beginning of a new year, at the beginning of hopefully pulling myself out from the deepest of trenches and up into the light, I am not going to wait another day to start. I will start here, where I am, scared, afraid, terrified, and all. Not fearing what the future has to hold, not regretting the past, just simply..being. I am moving page by page, moment by moment. Knowing that each day I fight through, my book of stories will only grow longer and longer so I can look back at all the wonderful things I have done. 

Celebrate what you have in this very moment. Your future will come. Don’t rush. Forgive. Live. 

And hopefully many, many, many years down the road (because I will make it through the battles I face and long live the troubles) I will be pretty damn proud that I didn’t wait, didn’t hold back.

So start now, living each moment. Not fast forwarding into the future, not remaining stuck in the past – simply being right here, right now. 

xoxo, maddy

Look in the mirror. Yes, right now.

Take a look at those blue eyes of yours – and remember they aren’t blue.

 

They are sapphire against turquoise mixed with the most beautiful royal blue, and when they water they glow, they are two perfect spheres the same color as the sky on the perfect summer day.

They are not simple.

You are not as simple as you think you are, as you may have been told you are.

 

You’re a soft, tender, loving thing. A little bit of a mess, a little scatterbrained – and that’s okay. You have fallen and you have risen day after day, you are a trophy of the shreds of your triumphs and tragedies. You have been stitched up by ounces of hope that you have collected over the years despite the many hardships-yet you still shine.

You still radiate.

 

Your big heart may get you hurt. You may be left feeling a little lost, a little confused, a little abandoned. I cannot promise you that this journey you are about to embark of moving past this hopelessness is going to be easy, but I can assure you, I can promise you, it will be so damn worth it. Remember, this big heart of yours has filled you with so much love and empathy and every feat you have faced has grown this heart of yours to be even greater, even tougher.

 

And I know it sucks to feel so much in a world that moves too fast for feelings. I know how you feel. Afraid of the world seeing you at your weakest. Craving to shrink yourself into the smallest, most insignificant ball of nothing. Wanting to withdraw from the outside world and crawl away into the some underground wonderland, pretending nothing else exists-that you don’t exist.

 

Afterall, I’m in my own journey of searching for that underground wonderland of nothingness myself, too. To be honest, I have been living a life where I am scared to share my true ambitions and passions because of the fear of disappointment. I have gone to bed too many nights afraid to share the amount of passion that is overflowing from this five-foot-two body of mine.

However, I want to escape this trapped mindset I’m stuck in. I want to live. I want to feel, to explore the tenderness of this big heart I have contained in my chest. To look in the mirror and look past these so-called simplistic blue eyes of mine.

I want to impact others. I want to influence the world in the most personal way. To spread encouragement through spreading my truths. To cultivate a life full of light and passion. Exploring this uniqueness I possess. Simply living and being, energizing my soul and redefining happiness. Cultivating the passion and abundance I have to offer this world.

I want to flourish.

I want to relinquish my fears and share my true ambitions, pushing past the doubts and judgement.

So together, us big-hearted people who are ultimately fearing our own self-discovery, we will embrace these sympathetic and intricate lives we have unknowingly been living.

For me personally, I will take this one day at a time, one bite at a time. Go to bed every night with the intention that each day I will wake up and feed my mind and my body in order to nourish and flourish. It may look different for you, or perhaps you need to do the same thing as well. Either way, cheers to new beginnings, new strengths to be discovered, new skills learned to defeat these feelings of self-doubt.

Embrace your feels, embrace that big heart of yours, embrace those two perfect spheres that sparkle when you talk about the things that set your soul on fire.

xoxo, maddy

reminders for a fresh start, a new year, new beginnings

  1. Don’t stick to those who are good to you 20% of the time because the other 80% isn’t worth the torture.
  1. Great things come outside of your comfort zone.
  1.  Don’t make excuses for those who treat you less than you deserve. I know that **deep down** you know that you deserve to be surrounded by those who enhance your life each and every moment and don’t cause fights and bitterness. You deserve the same magnificence you put into those you care about.
  1. Take a deep breath and just simply be present. The only moment you have control over is now. Relish it, be mindful. Slap the overthinking and the overanalyzing in the face.
  1. Sometimes you slip. But be also damn proud of yourself when you watch yourself slipping and stop instead of letting yourself continuously fall into this downward spiral.
  1. If you ever find yourself stuck in your thoughts, get outside. Talk to people. Laugh. Help others out. Smile. Hug. Pet a dog. It all rebalances.
  1. The best weight you can be at is whatever you are at when you are able to live the healthiest life you can – enjoying each moment, able to go out to eat with your friends, not being consumed with food/exercise thoughts, thriving on self-love. You cannot live a glorious life fueled with self-hatred and constantly critiquing this body of yours.
  1. Remember to spend quality time with yourself. Make your own personal happiness and wellbeing your #1 priority.
  1. Your body is one pretty freaking amazing being. Always working to keep you alive; making sure you breathe while you sleep, repairing broken bones, allowing your heart to beat several beats a minute. It loves you oh so much. Love it back, quit creating a war with yourself.
  1. Life will never be perfect, but it can be pretty damn sensational if you let it.

So cheers to a new year. Be kind to yourself. Don’t let the negative committee in your head wear you down. Stand up. Be strong. Be a hero. Cheers to a year where we will go on new adventures, meet new people, experience new things, check things off our bucket lists. 2017 will be a good one with these reminders set in place.

 

xoxo, maddy

because you deserve​ the best

We live in a world where it has become more normal to numb ourselves than it is to experience each wave of emotion that comes over us. We have become scared of the ‘crummy’ feelings. You know the ones – vulnerability, pain, loneliness, sadness, shame, etc. And maybe we’ve become scared of the good ones too – the happiness, joy, excitement, love. We fall into this addiction and vicious cycle in order to turn our emotional mind off. We’re entrenched deep in our fears, terrified of getting lost in the paralyzing world of these messy emotions. At the same time, we are so numbed out it’s as if we don’t feel worthy enough to let ourselves dive into the world of joy and undergo the positive, vibrant emotions that we truly are deserving of. We have become afraid of crumbling and afraid of rising; yet when we avoid both, we remain stagnant in this ongoing numbness that ultimately will bring our lives to a screeching halt.  

I know, feeling is scary. And if you’ve been numb or blinded for long enough, it may also sound batshit crazy, something completely out of your reach. Then there’s the flip side; when you finally gain your sight back and drop that addiction or whatever may be dragging you down, thawing out those feelings and having your mind flustered with the overwhelming emotions hurts like a bitch. Everything that has been suffocating you crashes into you at high intensity. Learning to wade through these waves, to keep swimming despite the crashing waters is one of the hardest lessons you’ll face; but oh please trust me, it opens you up to so much beauty and light and potential. 

Feeling is one of the most courageous decisions you can make. Giving yourself permission to express your emotions, ride through them, and let go of the aspects in your life that bring you down and drown you isn’t only important – it’s truly what you owe to yourself. You owe it to yourself to gain your sight back and recognize what is drowning you, what makes you feel distressed. You owe it to yourself to feel the good side of things – the joy, happiness, love. To be around those who truly care about you, removing toxicity from your surroundings.

Let the feelings flow. Keep your heart wide open. And if you’re trapped the pain and heartache and crumminess, I promise you your day is coming. The vicious cycle of being stuck in your heart-wrenching situation and caught in the numbness will end as soon as you let yourself become vulnerable and feel. Acknowledge those who are out there that care for you and purge the reluctant thoughts that are keeping you stuck. 

Your bright and shiny days are coming. Remember your worth. Be honest with your feelings and chase after what your heart truly and genuinely wants. 

xoxo, maddy

reminders, thank you’s, simple things

For all those who have reached out to me, helped me through my toughest times, said hi to me in the morning, told me that you care – this is for you.

For anyone who isn’t feeling on top of the world right now, I may not know you personally, but I believe this to be true about you, too. You are a rockstar. Believe in yourself, I am rooting for you. You will climb back to the top of the mountain soon, I know you will – remember these statements when you’re feeling low.

For those who know a friend who isn’t feeling too hot – things you should share with them to give them your support. At the same time, don’t devalue the simplicity of smiling at them. Smiles can brighten even the darkest of days – and for the times you’re filled with not only smiles but words as well,  these simple comments can mean the world to them. Share your support, share your sympathy. Remind yourself of these too; don’t let your kind soul go unnoticed.

For myself – this applies to you too. Don’t forget your own worth. Self-care is not selfish, it is necessary.

  1. Your ability to find the silver lining is an awe-inspiring quality and I hope you are able to acknowledge the beauty in this. There’s no doubt that you have gone through some tough times, and no doubt you have made it through like the brave warrior you are. And throughout anything that comes your way, you are still able to do some amazing things and make an incredible impact in people’s lives and create some amazing memories. You rock.
  2. Your heart is so pure. You are a selfless human being. You caring, thoughtful soul is something so incredible, words cannot even describe how thankful I am to know there are people like that out in this world
  3. Your passion is contagious. You make me want to become a better human. Your warm heart brings light to the darkest days in this world.
  4. You have a way with your words. Comfort, forgiveness, joy, thoughtfulness. Never underestimate the power of asking “are you okay” or saying “tomorrow will be better”. They may be short, simple comments, but your concern & care means the world. It’s refreshing. Thank you for making me feel like I matter. I hope you always remember how much you matter, too.

I hope you never forget how much you matter. How important you are. How grateful so many people are to have you in their life.

xoxo, maddy

be irrefutable. be unstoppable.

Recovery is tough. The process fills up with extreme highs and laughter and memories as well as extreme lows and tears and fights. Sometimes it’s scary, sometimes it’s overwhelming.
But as months pass and bites are taken, things slowly start to get better. You slowly start to get better. 
Recovery is a decision you make every single day. And it will be the best decision you make, even when it feels like the worst.
Sometimes listening to the eating disorder may seem appealing because it’s easier, because it’s comfortable, because it’s familiar. Sometimes recovery can just really suck.
But it’s worth it.
I promise it’s worth it.
So be kinder to yourself. Know that despite the eating disorder it attempting to drag you down into the deep end, you are stronger. You can keep your head up and fight back. It will be worth it. 
In the days when you’re drowning, choose to move onto tomorrow, not to dwell on the negativity. Remember the bigger picture rather than hyper-focusing on the darker moments. Remind yourself of the long term happiness you will gain from this short term uncomfortability rather than the short term satisfaction and lifelong suffering given by listening to the eating disorder.
We all have these days, and yes, they suck. But we cannot let that stand in our way. We are irrefutable. We are unstoppable. 
xo,
maddy

gaining hope

Gaining hope to gain my life back, to step away from doubts. I did not come this far to only come this far. Goal setting for a future of nourishing & flourishing

  • To be one of those people who, when you look at, their eyes sparkle and they are simply a ray of sunshine. You see them and suddenly feel a little bit happier, a little more inspired. And they look back at you with warmth in their eyes and a smile that could turn any frown upside down. To be able to transfer this light onto anyone that crosses my path and sprinkle little bits of serenity everywhere I go.
  • To do what I love. To help others achieve their goals and work towards gaining the life they’ve dreamed of. Help them do what they’re passionate about and watch that blossom. To turn struggle into something beautiful.
  • To take risks and distance myself from fears. Never allow myself to become too comfortable to the point of feeling stuck. Thrive, not just survive.
  • To remember that I am worthy. Worthy of staying on this earth, being a part of this life, simply just..living. To look myself in the mirror with a smile knowing this is a girl that can make your heart soft and eyes glisten . That I may get insecure and doubtful, but I have the power to light up your day if you allow me to. That although I may not allow you to talk to me before I get my breakfast (let’s be real, who really does), I will listen to your stories for hours on end. That I have things to offer.

So cheers to working towards a peace of mind, to learning to hold onto hope, no matter what storms may come my way.

xo, maddy